When My Life Crashes For A Moment

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In my world there will be times when things will just get the better of me. It is the title of my blog so to assume these type events would not occur would to be foolish. I have debated about sharing this with you because I was truly shaken about it myself because for a moment I felt my life just for a moment crashing and I could nothing to do stop it. This moment was brief and in reality nothing horrific was happening but in that moment my emotions could no longer be controlled and I felt useless and powerless. The reason I did decide  to share this with you guys is because I know that I am Bipolar and have generalized anxiety and moments likes this are going to happen. This is not the first even though has been one of the most unusual for sure and will not be the last. By writing this it is slightly therapeutic knowing that I am not the only one out there and can only hope someone can find comfort in this.

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I have to admit that I probably have come off a "high" of emotions. With the stress of the holidays and the good and the bad comes out of it. There was a lot of good out of it! However, towards the end my kids are off routine and life is a little chaotic (for a later post). When we are getting home tyring to get back into routine I am dealing with a new set of emotions of getting Caleb ready for his day of preschool. I was really worried about his first bus ride and as much as I like to think I wasn't I was a huge ball of emotions on all the what ifs on his first week of school (that will be for a later post).

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The day my life crashed for a moment... started with the power going in and out and a two hour delay so Caleb's preschool class was canceled. I guess the wind did something to one of the substations near our housing section was damaged. So it was a lot colder in the house and so been trying to keep the warm clothes on the kids. Which for Caydance is a challenge these days who is going through I prefer to be naked no matter the weather. Once the power clicked on I was able to make some grits and thought getting warm cereal in them just in case the power went out again plus it did not require me open the fridge. However, this is probably about the last sane moment of that day. The kids were fighting, no naps, and getting into everything thing....you know when your angels have been replaced with some sort evil clone. Towards the end of the day I was just breathing counting down the hours to bedtime and hoping for a better tomorrow. When I thought brief calm in the storm I was getting something to drink when I spilled it all over the fridge. So by the time I have gotten the bottom of the fridge clean out it was time enough to discover one of my kids dumped out an entire box of crackers on the floor. I remember just feeling so frustrated with myself and so many thoughts and feelings were going through me. I was in the process of rapid cycling and for me and a lot of other people who live with bipolar rapid cycling is often a night mare because you become or feel so useless as your body becomes the light switch. So when I felt my body and mind going through this I kept telling myself I can get through this I am stronger than bipolar. So I began to pick up the crackers when one of children required my attention. As I was getting up I felt like I twisted my back out and my whole right side for a moment was in enough pain that I sent out an SOS to my husband to ask him to come home if he could (he is a Marine and just simply cannot come home when he wants or needs too and there is no schedule) because it was close enough to their "usual" quitting time. He told me to rest in the chair with the kids and he would be home as soon as he could....

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I was in pain and was in the process of sitting in my husband's chair when one of children required attention. Then I started to cry.. I cried because I was hurting... I cried because there 700 thoughts running through my head... I cried because I could no longer control the emotions running through my body all at once... I cried because I no longer understood what was going on.... I hate it though when I cry when it is related to this because it makes me feel like a failure and the bipolar and anxiety has won a huge battle in the war. I was crying and my children were so the more I would cry... I mean it was a big crying bubbling fool. I was able to get everyone calmed down  before my husband walked through the door. As he as asked how I was doing and I was explaining to him and the tears started falling and falling. I could no longer hold in the emotion ball of chaos that seemed to no longer contain itself. My husband wrapped me in his arms and just let me cry and then he made me go to our bedroom so I could detach from reality and go where I need to go briefly to gather myself.

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Now why am I telling you this?

I am not perfect and sometimes I loose battles with Bipolar (not the war) and sometimes I loose bad. I also do not understand why I loose these battles and I get so frustrated with myself. However, is I show you that it is normal and okay to loose the battles once in a while. The fact is this was not first and will likely not be my last. I know it is not my last battle but the key is never to focus on these battles for too long. I noticed the longer I dwell on moments like these the longer I stay in the up or down state in which I have lost. Now I will admit this battle has taken me a bit to get back to some point of normal. For the last several days I have felt like a fog and going through the motions of my daily life. I do however choose not live in this crash or stay in the fog that has resulted from this crash.

So how I do I survive the crash?

I have to do what I always do. I have to remember what I always stand for when it comes to Bipolar disorder. I HAVE BIPOLAR I AM NOT BIPOLAR! My children did not ask for a Bipolar parent and I strive to be the best Mom they could have and knowing I can overcome this crash and any other battle helps my recovery from my ups and downs. I also surround myself with positivity, love, music, creativity, and  whatever it takes to move forward from that moment... I also know that I need to stay on my medications (personal choice) and whether or not if I need to see my doctor again.

Am I there yet?

No to be honest I am not back where I would like to be. I am slowly getting back though. I was taken back by this moment I am still in ways do not understand why it even happen. I know in the same breath not to focus on events like this but I am still trying to figure out why I did not recognize any triggers or feel like this coming (which I have been able to do). I still feel weak and almost ashamed of what happened. I guess it still does have progress and not where I want to be...

There will always be a battle to fight in this war.... I know one thing... I will over come and be strong and fight...  I AM A BIPOLAR MOM AND THIS IS SOMETIMES WHAT HAPPENS IN MY DAILY LIFE!!!