Standing In The Rain ---- It is a long one

From the start of March I have been kind of out of it or in of it for a numerous reasons (some are known and others I am keeping private). However, all these reasons I have ignored or tried too and they have come boiling to the surface and now I have to battle them all at once. I like to think I only lost a battle but not the war. The war I speak of is war as the one you fight along the path to your destination. I believe a lot people can relate to this war sometimes these battles are easy to win, sometimes we loose the battles, and there are times that we "stuck" and have to wait to see how these battles turn out but the war is never ending until well frankly you make it your final destination and I will not stop fighting until I get there. Now every war is different because no one person goes through exactly the same thing there may be similarities here and there but the war is truly unique to the individual. We all have our weaknesses and flaws but we also have are strengths and beauty that makes us.

However, I have been running away from everything that makes me. There is a song by SUPERCHIC(K) called STANDING IN THE RAIN.

"She Never Slows Down...

She doesn't know why but she knows when she's all alone, feels like it is all coming down

She wont turn around

The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down" 

Now I am not saying I do not cry because I do but I am often not an instant crier I do try hide my emotions best I can (does not work to well- I lack a poker face) but when I do this it comes all out and then I have to try make sense of things and then I have to go to battle because when that first tear falls in that battle those tears will not stop raining down. I also try not look back there is to much stuff going on now and what is done is done whether it is good or bad ( I always use to say that you cannot change the past and that part is true BUT you can learn from your past) that is why I never slow down because I feel like if I slow down then I have to turn around and face that past that often hurts. However, a good friend taught me that it is okay to stand in the rain.

"So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain

You won't drown

And one day, what was lost can be found

You stand in the rain"

Now she never said rain she used the term "KEYS"... I hold the keys to my life and I can do a lot of things with these keys. I can let the walls close around me (the option I usually prefer), I can face the things that are bothering me, or basically do whatever I want with these keys. She also said that I also have someone helping me and that is God ( I know all of us come from many places, beliefs, and faiths so what I am trying to say is that how you get through tough times). I am probably one of the worse prayers in the world... in fact I sometimes I do not think I really understand the term but then I also know a great man a Chaps who said I can just talk.... However, recently my talks have been hard so I have turned to writing, I think that is how I pray by writing them down because when I read them back they sound no different as if I would speak them. So right now I am holding these keys and frankly there are a lot of them (like a janitor set) and I am going through each and everyone of these keys trying to figure out what the key is for. Whether the key is actually suppose to be on the ring, needs to be place in a box until further notice, or completely thrown out because it no longer has a purpose (like you have all these keys to locks but the locks are long gone). 

I often feel lost sometimes I feel like I am going in circles or in a Halloween Corn Maze (that was one nightmare...LOL). Where there are dead ends, things that scare you, things you must face, and even a combination of them all. However, my friend has encouraged me that I will never drown their is one who will not let me fall or drown for that matter how close I feel that I feel like the grip is slipping or no longer being able to hold the water in my head. In fact when I cannot feel him not all he might be carrying me....

" One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,

other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed

that during the low periods of my life,

when I was suffering from

anguish, sorrow or defeat,

I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,

"You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you,

you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during

the most trying periods of my life

there have only been one

set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most,

you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,

"The times when you have

seen only one set of footprints,

is when I carried you."

Mary Stevenson

"She won't make a sound

Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands

She'll fall down

She wants to be found

The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down"

I often do not let people into my problems, there are a select few because I prefer things not be sugarcoated for me. I believe with all my heart that most peoples' intentions are good but sometimes can be to sweet almost diabetes sweet not that is a bad thing once in a while but if you do not know who the person really is it may not be the thing for that person. The more sweetness I often get the more likely I will push back with salt and pepper (sorry if you do not get my sense of humor but that is me). When this happens I choose not to be found... I rather.... well I do not know, I guess I am still figuring that part out. However, the select people who have fully come to understand me know.... they know how to speak to me. It is almost a science (for everyone) what works from one person does not always work for another and the "KEY" is to figure that out.   Now I am still learning the science to some people because when I feel alone and I fight with myself I do fear things if I stand but the ones who understand me know how to find me and pull me out and allow me to stand in the rain if that means I have to cry, scream, or have a Jethro Slap (NCIS) once in a while. The science is constantly changing for understand people so people must adapt (I will admit I am slightly an evolutionist meaning will not go in much detail to that but I will say that I believe must always move forward to grow). Just like the song says the only way out is through the things I am running from, so those keys pop back up. I need to find out what I am really running from... but the ones that have truly found me know MY FACES they understand that what you see is who I am The Good, The Bad, The Courtney.... 

The Good, The Bad, The Courtney is something that is truly important to me. A good friend told that not many people understand her humor. However, with her humor she does not waiver and she does not change because of other people. I was told that I have always tried to be the same Courtney... the goofy, the logic finding, the smart ass, the one who never completes her sentences, dances behind close doors, and marches to her own beat of my drum. That is why only a few people understand who I am and when certain life events  occurred  they embraced who I was and just realize it was another part of Courtney. I know one of biggest flaws is that I often live in a shell or close my heart off and I am still learning how to soften it and learn how to do things all over again, like a child (that is for another blog). I love people who are the same.... in other words they are they same with me as they would be if another person... like my friends humor! I rather have the friends that have The Good, The Bad, The *Insert Name Here* then only the part they want me to see. For the flaws that we have that is part of us also makes us beautiful inside and out..... so stand in the rain when you need to!

I know I have to stand in the rain now... it will not be overnight but things rarely happen every night but I know I lost the first battle/round with these demons, with time I will win the next battle with the things I need to face right now and when I am done I will continue on to the path to my final destination and face the next challenge on the path whether it is just a simple stone or another battle.....

My Last Thing I Want To Say: ~THANK YOU~ For the gift you have is amazing, even though I do not know what that gift is I am glad you are able to share a little of it with me.

I Can Tell... New Face

Some recent events have finally told that I am on the right path for at least one part of my life and that is relating to people...odd I know? However, when I think about it is it really not that odd at all. I am an active listener, do not judge their view on things, and if they want my advice then I give it (because you can give all the advice in the world but they do not have to take it). I always tell my self that I am a science brain person but I guess there is more to my brain then I realized. I am often a sounding board for many people and I KNOW the importance of have that need but I have to laugh to myself because my mother has told me this and so has some friends but it was not until now that my eyes were open. I can hear my mom saying " I told you so" but unless you realize it for yourself you are not going to see it. 

Now I am still very much a science brain person and I love to find logic and see results. My parents said I am willing to research anything, I am a little bit of evolutionist I suppose even though I have a relationship with the Lord. Maybe the ability to be open to many things allows me to be this person that I am because it is just not people my age. I find that people of all ages and all walks of life often like to talk to me... I can even get most children to open up to me. 

Maybe this is a new face or maybe this is a face I already had and coming out my shell. There are a lot of times that I just close myself off from the world often accused of not having a back bone but I think that was never the case. I think back then I was simply observing people- My Mom and Dad made a joke from seeing the Movie Red the Character Sarah Ross (Mary-Louise Parker) when she was in the back seat when Frank Moses (Bruce Willis) is talking to her about how their first meeting should be different. You see her in the rear view mirror with duck tape on her mouth but talking with her eyes! I was like what do you mean... and my mother states "You do not have to physically speak and people still know what you are thinking" well there goes my poker face. However, when I think about it she is right and explains some things I do....  hehe. So I dubbed this Mona Lisa Face.... whether this is something people already know about or is new.... but when you look at the Mona Lisa (no I am not talking about a code) cover up parts of her eyes- look at her mouth what do you see, cover her mouth what do see, cover one side of her face what do see? Her expressions change... I learned about this in an art history class. 

So what does this boil down to.... I am a firework... and I am really starting to know who I am.

 

Life Events-You cannot stop them but we can Process

It is amazing of all the life events that can impact one's life. In other words... you believe your are one path the all of a sudden you are thrown off that path, shaken, confused, and in order to proceed you have to take a step back and process. This was made more clear to me this past week, in fact I was slapped in the face with it. There are things I am dealing with, things that I am keeping private and only a few know just to keep the stress down, others I am trying to figure out how to get started that I am very excited about, but nothing can ever prepare you for changes thrown at you!!!

In small world, I know how it is to think that one thing is going to happen and then something you were not expecting swoops in and you are like what in the world do I do now. The problem is by the time you seem to just getting on the path with one another thing happens. Right now it seems where ever I step: I am falling, stumbling, trying to make sense of things around me. It really started back when Christopher and I were going to start up our fertility treatments, we were on a set path and I went to the doctor before he came home to just get things in order to find out the "original" plan was no longer an option and we had to enter a step that we should not have to enter yet. I took be by surprise- I cried in the parking lot called a friend and just screamed it was not fair. It is very hard to make terms with life-events.So fast forward to now- I have graduated, going through some things, and about to start things I am really excited about. However, with that being said life happens! Now I am not going into detail what is going on because a lot of it is in the "air" but this event has ripped the floor right out from underneath me and well a lot of other people. A lot of us are still "processing" the news... in fact I will process until everything is set! I cannot stop this so what am I going to do? Well what can I do? - I can sit here and do nothing- that is not an option, that will only make things worse. What I can do is face the challenges head on... and that is what I am going to do. How I am going to get there will be one thing but with time I will know the way.....


Who knows maybe there will be a cruise....

How to Start Your Own Book Club

I have a great friend who wrote this to give me ideas on how to be in a book club or start a book club!!!

How to Start Your Own Book Club

My Birthday Wish... Is To Thank You

My birthday is coming up in just a few days and I always think to myself about birthday wishes. You know blow out your candles and make a wish, I really do not believe in it but it would have been nice to see a brand new car on my sweet 16 or a credit card with no limit. However, most often that is not life and those birthday wishes are just blown away. So instead of making a wish I am simply asking for a request.... a small one. I was inspired by a friend who uses her birthday to spread PCOS and I admire her for that. I was also inspired by my two grandmothers who both have birthdays in March, in fact all my grandmother's birthdays and mine are apart by one week 7, 14, 21 (How cool is that?).

I want people to be thankful for the people they have in their life. There is a song called Hero by Skillet and it has amazing lyrics... it talks about ordinary people you, me, and everyone else in between. We are surrounded by heroes and a lot of time people do not even realize it your take it for granted. There are groups that are always considered heroes like the police, firefighters, and military. Which I am thankful for and I know what my Marine has done and will continue to do. I know a lot of them tend to get shy when it comes to these thanks. I have a friend who is cop, I have known him for almost 15 years and he has done great things!!!

However, a lot of people go un-thanked. Have you ever thought about a doctor, nurse, teacher, a mother? There are some people I wish that I could go back and thank. I had this crazy chemistry teacher in high school who has set the ceiling on fire on more than one experiment. I want to thank her so much for her being just her and showing me love of science! My 6th grade science teacher for some reason hated chicken but introduced me to a science group.....

Doctors who help us in so many ways. A lot of people have health problems and we need doctors to help us. We need nurses to help us. I believe nurses are so special because they have to take a lot of crap from a lot of people and lets face it people... if we are crappy patients at home we are more then likely at the hospital as well. However, I know a caring smile from a nurse can help warm an isolated hospital room.

Now-there are people who say that is their job, that is what the signed up to do, that was there career choice.  This is very true, no one forced my husband's to sign his name on the dotted line. Yes my husband chose the military as a career and infantrymen in fact just like my Dad. He has been deployed into not favorable places, yes it is his job... BUT COULD YOU DO IT? ..... I know I could not! How about a doctor, that is what they get paid the big bucks for BUT I know I could not do open heart surgery or be an ER doctor.... or someone who specializes in an area to help you improve your quality life like being bipolar or fighting PCOS.

My Birthday Wish- is thank as many people as you want but to at least thank someone who you thinks is often unoticed!

Bipolar- That is me stop the Stigma! This is a Long One

One face that I have is that I am Bipolar, that is right bipolar. The term bipolar can be defined as "as disorder marked by alternating or intermixed periods of mania and depression" (Cromer, 2011, p. 218). Now I write this to give you my take on this disorder and there will be references but most of personal thoughts. The first thing there is a stigma around this disorder and needs to go away!!! There are multiple perspectives looking in on this disorder usually the: person who has the disorder, people around them (family & friends), and then the doctors and counselor who treats them. I explain these roles in a bit in a more personal way.

When I first diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder a typed of disorder marked by mildly manic or hypo-manic episodes and major depressive disorders (Cromer, 2011). I was in shock, in fact I was in denial I remember calling my mom and telling her. However, there were a couple of episodes that stood out in my mind. About a year after I was married, I was treated for depression and I cannot tell you why I was depressed I just was. I was given medication and counseling which was going fine then I just stopped going. I felt fine, threw the pills down the toilet and stop going to counseling. Now most people just do not snap out of a depression, there is usually a cause and they finds ways to get out of it. However, I just felt fine like nothing ever happen. Thing went fine for a few years, we moved and getting settled but then I felt out of it again. I thought it might have been to PCOS because they do say depression is a symptom of it. When I went to this doctor-I went through this intense screening to the point of irritation... However, when it was all said and done I was diagnosed with Bipolar II with rapid cycling. In other words I have four or more episodes within a year. When you are able to look back at it there are things that pop up in my childhood that make sense on why I acted like that or perhaps felt the way I did. Most professionals believe that most Bipolar symptoms appear between the late teens and twenties. However, I disagree with this I do believe sometimes warning signs do present themselves earlier. For example, I was at th fair with my family and we are all having a great time but when it was time to leave. I became upset at something, irrational at the drop of them dime. My parents said it was over a game-and that my very well be true but to this day I cannot recall what made me so mad. How in the world is that normal?

That is where the parents and friends come in. A lot of times people believe it is choices that we make to act the way we do. Which in someway may be true but for the most part I believe I was a typical teenager. However, I use to do stuff that when I look back may have made my parents wonder. A lot of times I could not sleep so I would rearrange my room furniture or able to stay up all night and watch movies and still function the next day. Then there were days that I could hardly get out of bed- my parents did not know this in high school but I had to force myself to stay awake and all I could think about was getting back to sleep, like I could never get enough sleep. I know this could be passed off as typical teenager the thing is I never grew out of it. I have heard people call me moody or I just have PMS-but news flash people I cannot have PMS for an entire month! Look the term up!

Now this is what the doctor sees:  It is very well documented the bipolar disorder is clearly  a disorder of the brain (there is still debate but as research progresses the still believe it is not is getting debunked) and it is genetic and biological underpinning is recognized and is still treated as a "mental Illness". There are people who still believe it is related to our personal choices or morals but I tell these people look at this way it is no difference then other chronic illness except my medication works in the brain. There is no medication out there to change my morals. In reality it is a complex interplay of a genetic background, individual biochemistry, and life stress (Milkowitz, 2002). There is promising in research in areas such as neurotransmitters, Ion activity, Brain Structure, and Genetic Factors (No I Do not Blame My Parents or anyone else I am Genetically linked too). I got to see a brain (PET) scan done on someone to shifting from depression to mania back to depression and if you are a scientific person, like I am it was amazing to see. There is little activity while the person is going through depression but lights up like a firework when they are in mania and then nothing again.

These are the Symptoms of Mania and Depression - Now no two people with Bipolar are the same so we all experience our symptoms differently ( I have highlighted mine and will explain what I feel)

The manic phase may last from days to months and can include the following symptoms:

• Agitation or irritation: I become very agitated without any reason and the more I become agitated or feel irritable the harder it is for me to come down. Please know there is a difference, if I can tell you why I am upset then I am just upset nothing more.
• Inflated self-esteem (delusions of grandeur, false beliefs in special abilities)
• Little need for sleep
• Noticeably elevated mood
  • Hyperactivity: I feel like I always need to being something, getting out of the house, or something, it gets worse if I begin feeling trapped.
  • Increased energy: kind of like hyperactivity except I tend to be really productive and just do, do, do
  • Lack of self-control
  • Racing thoughts: Well this is what it is, I have ideas out the ears, I have good and bad thoughts the problem is I cannot stop them.
• Over-involvement in activities: I have a hard time saying "NO" I am willing to help and do things to the point of exhaustion.
• Poor temper control: I believe this relates to my agitation but sometimes I just lose it one way or the other with the end results of crying.
• Reckless behavior
  • Binge eating, drinking, and/or drug use
  • Impaired judgment
  • Sexual promiscuity
  • Spending sprees
• Tendency to be easily distracted: This is why I have so many un-finished projects
  
  
  
  
  The depressed phase of both types of bipolar disorder includes the following symptoms:
  • Daily low mood: I am in this all day and Usually cannot get out it.
  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
  • Eating disturbances
    • Loss of appetite and weight loss
    • Overeating and weight gain
  • Fatigue or listlessness: It is a struggle to feel any energy even after a decent amount of sleep.
  • Feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and/or guilt: I tend feel like I upset people or let them down in some way when I am stressed. 
  • Loss of self-esteem
  • Persistent sadness
  • Persistent thoughts of death
  • Sleep disturbances
    • Excessive sleepiness: Never feel like I can get enough
    • Inability to sleep: May seem like a contradiction but I become uncomfortable
  • Suicidal thoughts
  • Withdrawal from activities that were once enjoyed: I enjoy a lot of things like crafting and reading but I can sometime go weeks even month without doing the thing I love.
  • Withdrawal from friends: This one is harder for people to accept. I cannot explain why I do it but I do. They will either have to come to terms with this and understand it or just simply it is a choice I am making.
  
  
  
  

  -Here are some really good sources about the disorder-
http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/bipolar-disorder-overview-facts

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001924/

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bipolar-disorder/DS00356/DSECTION=symptoms


Treatment honestly varies between person to person. What may work for does not work for the other. There is so much out there as treatment options, we are for the most part in good hands. The worst enemy of someone who is Bipolar, is ourselves. Each have there own tiff with the disorder to include myself and I have a couple of problems.


I have pulled myself off my medication twice. I say twice because when I was treated for depression and threw them down the toilet because I felt fine. Is a BIG sign of the disorder. The second time I pulled myself off of my medication was when my husband deployed once. I thought I was doing fine and I could handle his booze cruise (term for a MEU). However, within just a few weeks I was falling into a depression and it took a while to get out of it.

I have also been where my medication seem to longer worked (even though I kept taking it). I did not sleep for almost a week and if I was not with the counselor it could have only gotten worse. It was hard to understand why I was following the doctors orders and it was not working. It is often a trial and error process and I have come to accept that some times I need adjustments or a tune-up, it only happens.

Now what does this all mean- am I nut? Was there something in my family genes to allow this to happen? Did my husband marry an unstable woman? Do people walk on egg shells? Will I ever amount to anything? What happens next? Why did I write this?

I like to think what is normal? Can anyone define what it is to be normal? I like to think everyone has their own normal state, whatever that might be. My mom says I march to the beat of my own drum and I believe her. I will get to the same destination just my way. I really cannot answer the whole genetic thing yet but maybe that is one of my purposes of being here. I am a scientific person... and I am passionate about this subject so maybe I can help people understand.

My husband did not marry an unstable woman. Granted this diagnosis happen years after we were married. However, my husband does not love a part of me. He loves all of me, the good, the bad, the Courtney. He is very caring and passionate about this. He is still learning about this disorder and how to help me cope with it (but we all are and it is a continuing process that will never stop). He is a very strong man and he will help me get through any of ups or downs. He also has a great support system like my mom to help make sense of things that he may not understand fully.

A lot of people do walk on egg shells around me. I try not to throw them out there but some do it for me. I am fine, I do not have six heads very rarely do I react in a negative manner towards someone. If you want to know something about it just ask! I am not the only one with this disorder in fact there are a lot of famous people who have this disorder.

Actors & Actress: Patty Duke, Jim Carrey, Carrie Fisher (Princess Leia), Robert Downey Jr., and Rosemary Clooney

Artists: Tim Burton, Beethoven, and Vincent Van Gogh

Others: Buzz Aldrin (Astronaut), Sylvia Plath (Poet), Sting, Mark Twain, Edgar Allen Poe, Praticia Cromwell (Author), and Winston Churchill

Please Note: Some of these people died before there time, it could have been related to the disorder or something else.

http://www.mental-health-today.com/bp/famous_people.htm

Now I am not famous by any means but I have done great things. I have just graduated college with BS is psychology and will continue into a master program after a short break. I also write what is on my mind, willing to try new things. I think in a way this disorder has help me some of these symptoms like my racing thoughts have sparked wonderful ideas and things that I thought I would never do.....

These are my final words and they are to the ones who have the disorder, please do not feel like you suffer do not burden yourself with guilt and self-blame because you believe your mood disorder is caused solely by psychological factors or even a weakness of character (Miklowitz, 2002).

Find your Survival guide and get through it and accomplish your dreams. I still have a long way to go but I know with my family and a few good friends I am in the right direction.

Changes are coming....

Changes are coming I can feel it in air! Actually I know they are coming and it how I will handle these changes and challenges that are coming up. There are many wonderful and new things happening in my life. There are also new paths that I am on that I cannot see that light at the end of the tunnel- but know that is the path that I need to be on. I often feel like I am going in so many directions that if I stop I might not know where I am so I just keep going. However, for once I know I am to take a deep breath, look back, relax, embrace, and figure things out but I cannot do that if I am always on the go. I feel like I was on this one path for so long it it time to make a turn and feel the sunlight on my face.... because of certain challenges I have faced and currently face things have changed and not for the better, I was angry, stressed, and tired for a numerous reasons. There were a lot of people in my path as well and a lot I did not give mercy too.... because the one thing I have the hardest dealing with is the feeling of "lost on self" or a "sense of control" you can relate that to whatever.... but I believe I have dealt with the serious side to much these past few years and not that is the bad thing but it can become overwhelming when you feel the world is against or on your shoulders. However, I do have several great people in my lives and I have a wonderful but stubborn headed cousin who has always been able to give me a reality check! Kind of like suck it up and get over it life sometimes sucks but still says it is okay to hit a pillow or something harder now and then.... it may seem mean but who needs someone always complaining about the hand they were dealt? There are times when I think, I really do not need this crap-now but the fact is I do and I think he just one that has the "ability" (you many insert your own words here) to do that because the fact is I am not mad at when he does it.... because it snaps be back and I guess I love him for it... his response is more likely "that is what I am here for". However, on a side note- PLEASE KNOW THAT WHEN MY COUSIN AND I ARE OLDER THERE WILL BE A BATTLE OF THE MINDS HE HAS THROWN DOWN A CHALLENGE THAT I WILL NOT LOSE TOO (This will happen latter in life, date to be determine, likely a family reunion, and with the rest of cousins witnessing this if has to continue on into another year so it be, I will crack that nut he calls a head).

No back on track!! Because I have taken this serious path for so long I am taking a break from it... I am going to remember great family memories, I am going to drink beer, I am going to read a ton of books that are not text related, I am going to watch tv all day, I am going to spend numerous days at the beach, and I going to be thankful for everyone and everything in my life. I know how lucky I am to have the people I do. It is also time to get back to me, the first face of Courtney-the goofy, the dorky, the nerdy, the clumsy, the singing in the shower and do not care, making faces at people in the car, walking barefoot, and getting a pet rat named Stinky!

So As Pink Says In Her Song: Raise Your Glass

So raise your glass if you are wrong
In all the right ways
All my underdogs
We will never be, never be
Anything but loud and nitty gritty
Dirty little freaks
Won't you come on, and come on and
Raise your glass
Just come on, and come on and
Raise your glass