2014 Roundup ... A Little Late

Once again I am late on these type post but as I am enjoying the peace in my house if only for a moment I thought I would do my 2014 Roundup!

2014 has been full of ups, downs, twists, and turns. I am not sure where to start so the easiest way I thought about going at this was hitting 12 highlights/moments of the year. These are not going to be in any sort of order just things that I wold like to share.

Me: Property of Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life

So lets get started with my 2014 Roundup...

1. My husband has had an interesting year for sure. Back in 2004 he actually tumbled/fall down a mountain Afghanistan on a deployment and screwed up his knee. However, like most Marines he kept on pushing, fighting, band-aiding his knee, and the straw finally broke the camel's back. So it was decided that he would have cartilage replaced in his knee. He went through the surgery like a champ and the recovery was interesting. It was decided that we would take him down to my parents upon his command approval so my family could help me with the kids and of course him. However, that had a twist in it. While we were at my parents' house my dad's cat bit him on his hand and it did not look so good I took him to the ER because he was being stubborn. Well come to find out it became infected and he ended up in the hospital. So when he got home we had two grown men to take care of! I must give a huge shout to my sister-in-law Shelly who stepped upped and helped play nurse to those "big babies"!!!! They are both doing well and back up to no good.

Christopher: Property of Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life

2. Caydance turned 1 in August! She puts us through our paces, fearless, tom-boy, princess, and so smart!! She loves her big brother so much and loves to annoy him as well. I could not be happier with the little girl she is becoming. Health wise she has been staying on the small size and has not been wanting to gain weight like she should. It is sometimes so odd to have such a tiny child when we are all taller but then I realize I am actually the odd one in the females in my family most of them are short! So maybe she is just taking after them but until then she is just monitored.

Caydance's 1st Birthday: Property of Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life

3. I closed down my small craft business Gifts By Vaughn and it is okay it was one of the best things I could have done. I lost the will to create and be me when it came to my crafts and crafting. When I closed Gifts By Vaughn I became free again.

Image Found On Google Free Images 

Image Found On Google Free Images 

4. My husband I celebrated 10 years of marriage actually on the last day of the year! Had an amazing date at the Melting Pot.

Christopher and I on our Wedding Day: Property of Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life

5. We have adopted a more frugal lifestyle. It has been a learning process and it has not been perfect! In 2014 we still have made mistakes but have paid down a lot debt minus my student loans. We also had a debt free Christmas. However, our savings sucked eggs but agreed to keep moving forward with trying to be frugal.

6. It was wedding season for 2014! Christopher was his brother's best man and I was my friend's Matron of Honor. I made the custom favors for Christopher's brother wedding! I cannot believe how beautiful the came out. However, my friend's wedding was in Florida so Christopher and I got a little vacation! So not only was I part of a beautiful wedding but Christopher and I could sleep in!!!!

The Brothers: Property of Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life

The favors I made: Property of Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life

Sierra and I: Property of Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life

Rocking the flowers: Property of Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life

7. Caleb turned 3! He has become such an amazing little boy and each day he grows and grows. Last year was big changes for him. In the past year his speech delay needed be addressed. So he started speech therapy lessons and has improved so much over the months that he was in the program. It was decided he needed he needed to be transitioned into the preschool program after he turned 3 to keep his speech therapy going and improve his socializing skills. He is such a loving little boy and very energetic. Caleb is also very protective of his sister.

Caleb and Daddy: Property of Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life

Caleb and Daddy: Property of Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life

8.  I launched my facebook page A Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life to go along with this blog shortly after I closed my craft business and it has been one of the best things I could have ever done. I had no idea how fast it would take off in that short amount of time. It makes me excited to see what 2015 has to hold.

My Facebook Cover: Property of Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life

9.  Sadly I was more isolated this past year. I am an introvert by nature who much rather read, listen to music, and enjoy my own company. However, this can be a bad at times for some reason I felt no desire to see anyone or do anything. Well I take that back I know of reasons that made me not want to see anyone but that is nothing to bring up here because it is past and it is move forward.

Was Me On an Off Day: Property of Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life

10. We had amazing holidays! Easter- The weather was on the bad side but we had a lolly pop garden along with Easter Bunny visit. Halloween- we carved pumpkins, painted pumpkins, watched movies, and went trick-or-treating. I made Caydance's costume and let Caleb pick out his costume for the very first time! Christmas included not only a debt free Christmas but 24 books advent count down, Christmas eve box, feeding Chickens, and a Christmas scavenger hunt in the dark.

The Lolly Pop Garden: Property of Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life

Halloween 2014: Property of Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life

Advent Christmas Countdown 2014: Property of Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life

Caleb and Caydance: Property of Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life

11. My friend Sierra and I came up with the plan to become "Pen Pal Crafters". We use to craft all the time together and because of normal life events are now separated by a couple of states. So we came up with the idea to do crafts about once a month and share, talk, and have a good time creating once again even though we are couple states apart.

Sierra right before the wedding ceremony: Property of Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life

The Crocheting Gloves!!!! : Property of Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life

Pen Pal Crafts: Property of Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life

12.  In 2014 I struggled with my faith and what I considered to what was becoming a toxic religion. However, later in the year I never have been stronger faith and beliefs. I could not be happier, positive, grateful, open-minded, faithful, giving, loving, and hopeful person.

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO USE : Property of Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life

So Yeah.... That is my 2014 Roundup

When One Door Closes, I Will Go Through A Window :The Closing of Gifts By Vaughn but The Birth Of A New Venture!!!

I am not exactly how to start this post off so I will just start typing...

I am a crafter and I have been dabbling in crafts ever since I could remember. Well a couple of years ago I decided to open a small craft business and sell my handmade goods just like many others have done. So I picked out a name got my first round of crafts made and GIFTS BY VAUGHN was born! 

Property of Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life

Business was slow but slowly trickling in. I however was full of ambition, ideas, and complete confidence this would be a huge success!!! I had support from my family and friends but I learned very quickly with all that in ambitions, ideas, confidence, skills, and support from family and friends it was hard. There were things I had to learn very quickly the business side of the craft world. I had to learn about advertising, policies, shipping, time schedules, watermarks, inventory, bills, and book keeping (the list really could go on). I had the hardest time trying to figure out why it seemed to come easy to others and I was struggling to make sense of it all. I had the passion... didn't I? 

Yes I had the passion for the love crafting but not the passion for the business. Which I discovered you need have equal parts to make your business successful! If could never get them balanced and the more I tried the more passion I lost in crafting... and that is something was truly heartbreaking to me. Crafting is something I love to do and here I am dreading to have to crochet a hat or make another bow. I should not be loathing something I love to do....

So the question I had to ask myself is it worth it? 

Property of Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life

The short answer is no... owning/running a small craft business was not worth it. I was losing to much of my self in the process. So I made choice to close down GIFTS BY VAUGHN. At first I had mix feeling about this but the more I thought about it I knew I was making the right decision. I knew I could still do private sales but I knew I would be free to be truly creative again. That is truly what happen... I started feeling like me once again in the creative side and wanting to get in my craft room once again. 

Property of Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life

There was something that I did miss on my page and that was daily interaction on my page. So I decided to open to along with this blog a Facebook Page : A BIPOLAR MOM AND HER DAILY LIFE which can be found here https://www.facebook.com/bpmomandcrafter83?ref=hl . When I first open this page in September I had slight reservations on how people would accept or receive my page. However, the response has been overwhelming and positive!!!! I had no idea that opening up this page would grow as fast as it did and the people who come just to follow and support me. More importantly people have come to me since the page has open about their story or just needing to talk. It has been just amazing what this page has done already and I am excited to see where this page is headed. I can only hope for continue positive growth. 

So as I sum this up... yes one door may have closed.. but I closed that door  and decided to go through a window instead! 

A Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life! : My Imperfect Perfect Child:Speech Delay and Embrac...

A Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life! : My Imperfect Perfect Child:Speech Delay and Embrac...: So the moment you realize that there may something wrong with your child... your heart drops. Well I know that is how I felt when my sons do...

My Imperfect Perfect Child:Speech Delay and Embracing The Challenges

So the moment you realize that there may something wrong with your child... your heart drops. Well I know that is how I felt when my sons doctor told me that we needed to get Caleb's hearing checked and go through a speech assessment. A What? Why do you think my son needs to go through a speech assessment he likes to do things on his own time!!! AS MOMMY PROTECTION CLAWS COME FLYING OUT!!!The doctor explained that he is not saying as many words as he should and it is recommended that he does the assessment. Speech development varies among each child and people will tell you varying things but most experts will agree that a child by the age of 2 should have a vocabulary around 50 words. My son on the other hand maybe had 10 clear words but had his own language.

The property of A Bipolar Mom: Do not Copy or Use

There are so many questions that ran through my head but our child comes first and we proceeded with the hearing and speech assessment. Well long story short his hearing is fine and it was determined that our two-year-old son has enough speech delay that he should have speech therapy. I am not going to lie but it very hard to hear the word "delay" you begin to think about all sorts of what ifs. However, in life there are so many what ifs and just like many other challenges we would embrace this and hit it full force and put our son first to give him the best possible outcome with the challenges he faced.

The first thing that our son's speech therapist told us is that we did not cause our son's delay. There are many things that can cause speech delay to an physical impairment to something going way down in their brain. Some where in our son's brain he is encountering difficulty using and coordinating lips, tongue, and jaw properly to make speech sounds. He is not speaking because I did not read to him enough, or talk to him enough, play with him, and so on. This did not make me a bad mom.

So if you have a child facing speech delay please realize you did not cause it you are not a bad parent!

I have always known his speech delay has never defined him. There are areas that my son excels in and is way ahead of the game to other kids his age. Just as kids are excelled in other areas and behind in other areas. A speech delay is simply a delay it does not mean he is less intelligent for a child who does not have a speech delay it simply means it is something that we need to work on to get him through this.

So if you have a child facing a speech delay please realize it does not define your child! 

Using speech therapy has been one of the best things for him. Within the first couple of sessions I was already seeing improvement with my son's speech. Not only was seeing improvement with my son's speech but my husband and I were also being taught ways to communicate with our son. We help him and in between lessons. So it is just not your child going through speech therapy it is your entire family going through speech therapy and helping your child be the best they can be. It makes things easier and less stressful in the house because you and your child are communicating  with each other. It broke my heart when my son could not tell you what they need your want not because they do no want because they do not how or can't. However, seeing your child slowly blossoming makes your heart melt and smile knowing they are making progress. Know that it goes on just speech therapy service. Whether you are using speech therapy services or not it goes beyond that. I am constantly finding new ways to help my son's speech delay by one doing our speech therapy homework, looking up games, researching, and son. There are so many resources and areas to research the options are endless and we have found some pretty neat ones. I will post some ones that we have done in a later blog.

So if you have a child facing a speech delay use all possible tools!


This is not an easy process. I have learned he is not going to be reciting and giving speeches over night. There are good days and bad days. We have great speech therapy lesson days and some days it is like his first day. However, with every step forward in the right direction is just that! So he first time he signed and said more or says a word that we were not even working on take it and embrace it. I love it when says a new word and when I tell him good job and his smile is so infectious.

So if you have a child facing a speech delay realize it will not resolve over night! 

I realize everything will be okay

SO IF YOU HAVE A CHILD FACING A SPEECH DELAY EMBRACE IT AND REALIZE EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY!

52 Week Savings Challenge : Frugal Change or should I say ching ching?

There are many aspects of the frugal lifestyle. As I have researched the many areas of being frugal the one area of being frugal is the ability to start saving money. Now there are many topics about saving and which is the best way to go about it to pay down your debt and save at the same time and frankly for me it is overwhelming with all the information and which is sad I am a person who likes to research. All I can is say about this point I highly doubt I will blog about this exact subject and which way we decided exactly to go. However, but that will be for a different time and blog post if that does happen. There are also many articles out there about easy ways to save and how to cut cost to put some extra money in your pocket. So I figured that is prefect area for someone who is exploring the frugal lifestyle to start when it comes to savings and to really get started about serious about saving money.

Now with most of these frugal post I am going to put a little bit of testimony/truth/confession in here on why we are doing this. I feel like expressing these on here it helps relieves the stress but being honest where you at in your life makes you face reality and you can move forward. I also know if I can be honest openly I know maybe there is someone out there that I may reach and say "hey I am not alone","Wow they are really being honest about their life situations and they are taking it a step at a time" or "they are just telling me how to do it they are living it and really doing it step by step". When I ready for a change or want to make a change in my life I usually get all excited about it and bite off more than I can chew whether it is weight, taking a new approach to my bipolar disorder, organization, a new plan with the kids, and so on. I read stories, research, start with too much, and so on. I become overwhelmed, become very intimidated by all the success stories, and even a little jealous who I view has their life really put together (whether it is actually or not because I do not know what is going on behind close doors). However, it took me a long long time to realize with any change it really does take small steps and nothing will really happen overnight. Even though if you have this huge goal or change in mind if you take small steps, small goals, small changes to reach it... you will have amazing results. So at the end of this blog post I want to thank a couple of people who really inspired me. So moving on  from this sidebar and on to the truth part of this post.

TRUTH: My husband and I are horrible at savings whether we like to admit or not. Now we have multiple savings accounts and besides the one I keep for small craft business Gifts By Vaughn (https://www.facebook.com/GiftsByVaughn?ref=hl)  they are pretty sad. Now why cannot we save? Well the first answer is we can't but that really is a lie because we have an allotment going to one and if we were able to leave it alone than we would be "saving". Well the first honest reason is the main one that usually goes hand in hand with checking (like most people have with banking) we just do not add money to the savings account plain and simple. If we do start putting money in there it will eventually make it way back over to checking whether we moved it or the bank moved it because we were short in our checking account and then we lose a $1 for them moving our money for us. So we open an additional account outside to a different bank and set up an allotment to that account to start building our savings up. Well sadly every time we thinking we are getting ahead something comes up and we have had to take from that savings and when you take take from savings and only put the bare minimum in you have no growth in savings and a whopping no balance and the constant fear if something happens what are you going to do next? So what does this really mean? My husband and I really need to reprogram ourselves on how to save money and save it well. So that is why we decided on the 52 Week Savings Challenge as one way to approach to saving and the main reason for this post!!!

52 WEEK SAVINGS CHALLENGE

If you simply Google 52 Week Savings Challenge you find your answer and tons of charts on what type of challenge this is. However, the basic concept of this challenge each week of the year you will deposit a certain amount of money into a account or place of your choice. It is recommended that your  weekly deposit follow the week that you are on. So for week one you will deposit $1, week two $2, week three $3, and week fifty two $52. If you follow these amounts by the end of the year you will have saved $1,378. You can find more information about the basic concept of the 52 week savings challenge here http://www.52weekmoneychallenge.net/welcome-to-the-52-week-money-challenge/ .

How we are doing it. Now we decided to take this challenge but decided to leave the money outside the bank and a place to see the money to watch it grow.  So if you are going to leave the money outside of the bank you will need a 52 week savings challenge chart you can simply Google it or look it up on Pinterest there are tons out there that range from fancy, simple, and even are modified a little for people who have adjusted the challenge to meet their need. I posted below a simple example of the 52 Week Savings Challenge Chart for you but I will also show you what and how we are doing.

Source: amittenfullofsavings.com via Google images

Like I stated above you just have to search and you will find tons of these charts! Now onto the way Christopher and I are doing it and I will throw a little psychology into it. Hey I have a Bachelors in psychology and working on Masters might as well use it! Well my chart is nothing fancy in fact I jotted it out on an index card... I know fancy right?

source: image belongs to Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life! http://pcos4lifejourney.blogspot.com/

Well I decided to write it out one it was quicker to jot it down and because we are "both" doing the challenge I can write down the actual amount of each weeks deposit. So for us week one is $2, week two is $4, and week fifty two is $104. We also let room if were able to save a little extra. We actually just deposited week 2 and we actually put in an extra $1.77 so as long as the base deposit is met each week by 52 weeks we will have saved $2756! Do not fear the bigger deposits towards the end of challenge because by the end mark it should be easier to save which is the goal of this challenge!! Also if you are living frugal it should start having extra money to save making this challenge easier as is progresses through the year. You also need to decide when you are going to deposit your money each week since it is not going into a bank account. For hubs and I we decided on Sunday and since we may be adding more than the base deposit we store the deposit on the side until it ready to go into the jar so it can be counted.

source: image belongs to Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life! http://pcos4lifejourney.blogspot.com/

Since the money is being stored in our bedroom we have these plastic leave dishes that went with our bedroom decor (we are country/woodsy) that I bought at the Dollar Tree a couple years back that ended up not being used and were collecting dust on top of jewelry box. So this where we sit that weeks deposit until the wend of the week until Sunday and count it put in  the mason jar! The cat is just my crocheted kitty that protects the money...hehe! Our challenge sits on my bookshelf  on the top shelf with Dean Koontz you cannot get any better than that in our bedroom!!!

source: image belongs to Bipolar Mom and Her Daily Life! http://pcos4lifejourney.blogspot.com/

Now if you remember earlier in this post I stated that my husband and I needed to basically reprogram ourselves on how we think about saving. That is why decided to keep the money outside of the bank and bare with me this where the psychology comes into this and why this is a good challenge for someone who needs to reprogram in the way they think about saving and how to positively reinforce that behavior by positive motivation. Motivation is simply defined as the process that initiates, guides, directs, and maintains goal-orientated behavior. It is literally the desire in which we decide to do something whether to actually make a change or just sitting around thinking about making a change. In psychology terms motivation involves biological, emotional, social, and cognitive forces to activate one's behavior. Now there are a number of theories on motivation and fancy terms that are used when psychologist discuss/debate about what motivation really is but that really is not the point. So lets stay focus on positive motivation and why me and hubs are using are using at as a tool to positively reinforce our behavior on saving. By seeing are money actually grow through the year we have a tangible results on hand to see that it is working and growing. You can also look at as extrinsic motivation or outside positive motivation at work at this challenge and at the end of this challenge we can take that tangible "result" and do something with it whether it is vacation, investment, savings, and so on. Now there is also intrinsic motivation or internal positive motivation at work as well in this challenge and what I view as the most important of these challenge. By completing this challenge not only will you have personal gratification that you completed your goal but you are helping yourself reprogram your brain on how to save and setting yourself up for positive results, success, and a long term future. Well that is what we want to do! Well that is my psychology degree at work now only if my grammar was better and my student loans would just up and vanish...hey I can dream/wish?

Sorry I had no idea this was going to be as long post

Personal Thanks: There are a couple of people I wanted to thank who have motivated me though my life. These thanks are not all directed at 52 week savings challenge but just in general about motivation and change. 

I first want to thank my parents. They have been one of my biggest supports in my life through so much through my heath issues, life struggles, ups, downs, good times, bad times, and so on. They are who keep me motivated besides my husband! I am not sure what I would do without them. 

Shannon-  I first met Shannon when we first moved to Camp Lejeune. You talk about a woman jack of all trades. She has been one of the most motivating people I have ever met!! She actually reminds me of a much younger version of my mother and which is amazing because my Mom is one of best friends. Now I can go into details of all things on why I am very motivated but all I will say she is an amazing military wife and mother and now it is her time to shine! So I am going to give her a shout out. If you live in North Carolina check out  https://www.facebook.com/shannon.sines.9  the Owner Formal Creations she does amazing work! I just want to thank Shannon from the time that I known you from your jokes that people often do not get, to some great conversations, being a role model whether you realized it or not, and reaching for dreams you truly are a motivating person to me. 

Lisa- she is also another positively motivating person I have ever met and the sweetest. She has helped me embrace my physical life changes as well as the emotional ones that come with trying to make a healthier lifestyle. Just with type of change it can be overwhelming and she is right there with you helping you. She runs a group Lisa Kingslayer Fit Future https://www.facebook.com/FitFuture1 and I promise she is not in your face about her group but actually cares about the ups and downs of obtaining a healthier lifestyle. She is a real person not a supermodel and embraces herself flaws in all and which makes herself that more motivating! I want to thank her so much for the impact that she has made on my life. 

Ashley- I have known you through a couple of deployments now and I think you are an amazing and motivating person, wife, and mother. I know there are tons of wife and mothers out there in our shoes but you have always to me seem so motivated and positive in the things you do through the life of being a military wife. Which is extremely motivating and encouraging to move forward with all my goals in life especially as a mother and I thank you for that.

There are a couple of wives that I just need to thank: Jodie, Megan S, Dara, Dawn, Carri, Sarah C,  Shelly F, and Rebecca D.  

Standing In The Rain ---- It is a long one

From the start of March I have been kind of out of it or in of it for a numerous reasons (some are known and others I am keeping private). However, all these reasons I have ignored or tried too and they have come boiling to the surface and now I have to battle them all at once. I like to think I only lost a battle but not the war. The war I speak of is war as the one you fight along the path to your destination. I believe a lot people can relate to this war sometimes these battles are easy to win, sometimes we loose the battles, and there are times that we "stuck" and have to wait to see how these battles turn out but the war is never ending until well frankly you make it your final destination and I will not stop fighting until I get there. Now every war is different because no one person goes through exactly the same thing there may be similarities here and there but the war is truly unique to the individual. We all have our weaknesses and flaws but we also have are strengths and beauty that makes us.

However, I have been running away from everything that makes me. There is a song by SUPERCHIC(K) called STANDING IN THE RAIN.

"She Never Slows Down...

She doesn't know why but she knows when she's all alone, feels like it is all coming down

She wont turn around

The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down" 

Now I am not saying I do not cry because I do but I am often not an instant crier I do try hide my emotions best I can (does not work to well- I lack a poker face) but when I do this it comes all out and then I have to try make sense of things and then I have to go to battle because when that first tear falls in that battle those tears will not stop raining down. I also try not look back there is to much stuff going on now and what is done is done whether it is good or bad ( I always use to say that you cannot change the past and that part is true BUT you can learn from your past) that is why I never slow down because I feel like if I slow down then I have to turn around and face that past that often hurts. However, a good friend taught me that it is okay to stand in the rain.

"So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain

You won't drown

And one day, what was lost can be found

You stand in the rain"

Now she never said rain she used the term "KEYS"... I hold the keys to my life and I can do a lot of things with these keys. I can let the walls close around me (the option I usually prefer), I can face the things that are bothering me, or basically do whatever I want with these keys. She also said that I also have someone helping me and that is God ( I know all of us come from many places, beliefs, and faiths so what I am trying to say is that how you get through tough times). I am probably one of the worse prayers in the world... in fact I sometimes I do not think I really understand the term but then I also know a great man a Chaps who said I can just talk.... However, recently my talks have been hard so I have turned to writing, I think that is how I pray by writing them down because when I read them back they sound no different as if I would speak them. So right now I am holding these keys and frankly there are a lot of them (like a janitor set) and I am going through each and everyone of these keys trying to figure out what the key is for. Whether the key is actually suppose to be on the ring, needs to be place in a box until further notice, or completely thrown out because it no longer has a purpose (like you have all these keys to locks but the locks are long gone). 

I often feel lost sometimes I feel like I am going in circles or in a Halloween Corn Maze (that was one nightmare...LOL). Where there are dead ends, things that scare you, things you must face, and even a combination of them all. However, my friend has encouraged me that I will never drown their is one who will not let me fall or drown for that matter how close I feel that I feel like the grip is slipping or no longer being able to hold the water in my head. In fact when I cannot feel him not all he might be carrying me....

" One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,

other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed

that during the low periods of my life,

when I was suffering from

anguish, sorrow or defeat,

I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,

"You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you,

you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during

the most trying periods of my life

there have only been one

set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most,

you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,

"The times when you have

seen only one set of footprints,

is when I carried you."

Mary Stevenson

"She won't make a sound

Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands

She'll fall down

She wants to be found

The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down"

I often do not let people into my problems, there are a select few because I prefer things not be sugarcoated for me. I believe with all my heart that most peoples' intentions are good but sometimes can be to sweet almost diabetes sweet not that is a bad thing once in a while but if you do not know who the person really is it may not be the thing for that person. The more sweetness I often get the more likely I will push back with salt and pepper (sorry if you do not get my sense of humor but that is me). When this happens I choose not to be found... I rather.... well I do not know, I guess I am still figuring that part out. However, the select people who have fully come to understand me know.... they know how to speak to me. It is almost a science (for everyone) what works from one person does not always work for another and the "KEY" is to figure that out.   Now I am still learning the science to some people because when I feel alone and I fight with myself I do fear things if I stand but the ones who understand me know how to find me and pull me out and allow me to stand in the rain if that means I have to cry, scream, or have a Jethro Slap (NCIS) once in a while. The science is constantly changing for understand people so people must adapt (I will admit I am slightly an evolutionist meaning will not go in much detail to that but I will say that I believe must always move forward to grow). Just like the song says the only way out is through the things I am running from, so those keys pop back up. I need to find out what I am really running from... but the ones that have truly found me know MY FACES they understand that what you see is who I am The Good, The Bad, The Courtney.... 

The Good, The Bad, The Courtney is something that is truly important to me. A good friend told that not many people understand her humor. However, with her humor she does not waiver and she does not change because of other people. I was told that I have always tried to be the same Courtney... the goofy, the logic finding, the smart ass, the one who never completes her sentences, dances behind close doors, and marches to her own beat of my drum. That is why only a few people understand who I am and when certain life events  occurred  they embraced who I was and just realize it was another part of Courtney. I know one of biggest flaws is that I often live in a shell or close my heart off and I am still learning how to soften it and learn how to do things all over again, like a child (that is for another blog). I love people who are the same.... in other words they are they same with me as they would be if another person... like my friends humor! I rather have the friends that have The Good, The Bad, The *Insert Name Here* then only the part they want me to see. For the flaws that we have that is part of us also makes us beautiful inside and out..... so stand in the rain when you need to!

I know I have to stand in the rain now... it will not be overnight but things rarely happen every night but I know I lost the first battle/round with these demons, with time I will win the next battle with the things I need to face right now and when I am done I will continue on to the path to my final destination and face the next challenge on the path whether it is just a simple stone or another battle.....

My Last Thing I Want To Say: ~THANK YOU~ For the gift you have is amazing, even though I do not know what that gift is I am glad you are able to share a little of it with me.