Caleb My Miracle

Caleb arrived December 21, 2011 and boy has it is been an incredible adventure. I have never been so in love with a child than I am with my son. He has the most beautiful blue eyes and a smile that makes my heart just melt. When I think of him and the journey I have been on to have him I often just close me eyes and think of my little baby 6 years in the making. The picture above was taken when he was 2 months old but even he decided to make his welcoming into this world and adventure as well. Christopher and I knew he was not going to be here for the birth of Caleb and for the first couple of months... duty calls when you are military. My husband left at the start of Dec and the following day Caleb decided not to do what he was suppose to do in our weekly NST testing so I was admitted to the hospital. With having PCOS and doing infertility treatment I was high risk and I did develop gestational diabetes (and for future reference- I may never drink Sunkist or any other orange flavored things again). He was not reactive above his heart rate so I had to go through this special ultrasound which basically the doctor places the monitor on my stomach to watch his breathing movements. It is not a painful test but it is very stressful. He failed the test meaning he only 6 six breathing movements out of 10 in an hour and he needed to do at least 8. I was scared, I mean who would not. I mean my husband was going back over to Afghanistan I was alone and there could have been something wrong with our little baby. Well thankfully, he did what he was suppose to-do in a repeat of the test and I was sent home. I was adjusting to being pregnant by myself passing the days by slowly and miserable wishing I could lay on my stomach or back. I knew I was having a c-section because Caleb had remained breached the entire pregnancy and I refused to go through an aversion procedure (which is where they try to roll the baby into position). I just felt it should come natural... I still had a month left when my nightly checks with my parents... I just told my Mom I think I am ready to have someone sit with me. She just said I was having a bad day. Well that night I was getting things ready for bed and I was putting juice in the fridge (Blue Kool Aid) to be exact when I felt this pop...kind of like a water balloon and a small but warm gush of liquid..... My water broke. The one thing I did not plan for was my water breaking early. I called my parents told them what happen.... put my dogs in the kennel.... and drove myself to the hospital (yes you heard me right). I went through the entire check in process, they got a hold of my husband, my parents were on there way up (they were about 4 1/2 hours away). So as I was waiting for everything they tested my blood sugar and it was high... the doctor (who I do not like) told the nurse to give me insulin. I asked him not to and if he could wait just a little bit I am sure it would go down by itself.... BUT he knew what was best... well the gave me his dose... all I remember saying is I feel like I am going to throw up... and next thing I know I am being woke up with something.... I passed out.... go figure... I honestly think people know their own bodies and I knew I did not need that insulin.... oh well. My parents arrived 15 minutes before they were to take me back. The C-section went well and to be honest cannot remember a lot about it because of the drugs... I think. My mom said I was out of it... the thing I do remember is hearing Caleb cry. I was told in recovery when I got back in my room my son would be joining me.

When I got to my room my mom told me Caleb was grunting a little bit so he needed to stay in the nursery for a little bit longer. That was a start of a night mare for me. Hours ticked by and they kept giving the same answers. Finally a doctor came to me and said that he was going on the C-pap machine for 4 hours to see if that helped and if not he would have to be transferred to a NICU. My heart just dropped. I only saw my son for a brief second and have yet to hold him and the doctor is telling me this.... well sadly he did not improve and he was transferred to a NICU about an hour away. I held it together when they brought him up to me and actually felt a great calm where he was going...I just felt the overwhelming need for him to be out of there as much as I hated not being with him. He went to New Hannover in Wilmington, NC and you do not ever want your child to be in that situation but if they have to be I think New Hannover could be the best place. I was released from Naval the following day and my parents drove me to Wilmington at Midnight so I could see my son. When I got there I got the most welcoming feeling in the world. Each baby has their own room called pods and is private and secure. They asked me if they could do anything..... I asked if I could hold him finally? They almost seemed shocked but not surprised that I have not been able to hold my son yet  when they found out where I came from. So almost 48 hours later this is me holding my son.

I kept very quiet that he was in the NICU because it is a very hard thing to go through. His stay was only a week but each day feels like it would never end. When it was over I just prayed for the parents who had their little ones in there for months. I was so thankful my parents were with me. They drove me every day back and forth from Jacksonville to Wilmington to see Caleb. I called there every day for updates sometimes twice and they always were welcoming. Caleb spent his first Christmas in the NICU but it was soon after that my baby boy got to come home.

Knowing and having home was one of the greatest feelings on this earth. Since he came home from the NICU we have had no health problems with him. Everything on little man is healthy and you would have never known he had time in the NICU. Besides for the first two months where he thought he was an owl and decided to turn me into a vampire he has been beyond a good baby and I know how lucky I am to have him.

so from PCOS --> INFERTILITY JOURNEY --> INFERTILITY TREATMENT --> PREGNANT --> CALEB ARRIVING --> NICU STAY --> HOME --> MEETING DADDY FOR THE FIRST TIME

So for Caleb just being 5 months old he has already had an adventure that trumps most adults.... I wonder what the next part of his adventure will be... I know one thing for sure... I am so excited to be part of it!

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH CALEB AND KNOW THAT YOU WERE ALWAYS WANTED!!! YOU ARE MY SIX YEAR IN THE MAKING MOTHER'S DAY PRESENT! 

Where has the time gone?

I have not written in a long time... there have been so many things worth writing about but to be honest I lost track of it all. So in reality this is a catch me up... Nothing new in the PCOS or Bipolar department in other words I still have them but then again I was not expecting them to just up and go away. The last post I wrote was in Nov so a lot has happened. The biggest thing is that I am a mommy! For anyone who has faced PCOS knows this is nothing easy to face and I have my little miracle 6 years in the making. My husband deployed again and is home once again... and for right now that is about it... but this is just a small update.

A Monster

I sometimes I feel like I am completely another person inside.... what does this mean? Now this just my opinion but when you are Bipolar there is a constant battle between the ups, downs, and everything in between. In many aspects I feel like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. By no means do I think or believe that I have multiple personalities. However, when it comes to day to day battle of what face of Bipolar will show its ugly head. Will it be a good day? A bad one? Will something trigger me into an episode? These questions that I face every day...  and if one of these questions are answered what will happen... what will people think.... do they understand... do they even want to understand...

Even with medication that works, doctors, and support it is still not enough to keep the monster at bay. I like to think of myself as a normal person with a monster aka Bipolar Disorder that lives inside of me. When I look at that is makes me think I am evil at first glance but that is not what I mean at all. I have never once not taken responsibility for my actions. I am very proactive in my treatment of this disorder and I really do have more great days then Bipolar days... when I do have a day it presents itself in many ways but never with the intention to hurt anyone. When I am down episode Depression it is like how many experience it... I guess the only real difference is that sometimes the Depression comes from no where. In other words there was/were no situation/circumstance/crisis/life event that often roots people into depression. I have had events trigger it as well but the ability not to pull out of it turns into my depression. When I have a hypo-manic episode I feel agitated, frustrated, angry, racing thoughts, and so on. However, just like depression it often comes from no where. I usually have more triggers in this area but it leads into my form of mania. By no means does it make me HATE ANYONE or think about horrible things... the best way to describe is it... I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and no matter how many times I try to get up on the right side of the bed nothing is going right. Have I ever acted out? I am sure I have but nothing extreme.... for the most part I keep it all in the inside (which I know is not good). I actually just prefer to be alone when I am in episode easier for me to get out of them.

Why am I writing this? There has been concern that I am bringing a child into my Bipolar world (I will not accuse anyone or state who is thinking this- That is not my place). Well guess what I am not the only one in this world who has children in a bipolar world. There all sorts of circumstances that children get brought into this world some ideal and others far from ideal. Where do I stand... well not ideal (but not sure if anyone's circumstances are ideal) and it is not the worse. For the ones that are concern whether you have already voiced your opinion to me or not... get over it! I have great support and proactive and I really do not see any horrible problems arising from having a child. My husband and I have been on a journey to have a child. Will it be easy? Hell no- I do not know any parent that thinks raising a child is easy and if they think it is... I am waving a bullshit flag! I am not insane, I know right from wrong, responsible, and have a decent head on my shoulders. I do not hide the fact that I am BP but do not really broadcast it either. I am sure there are tons of people who do not know as I am sure I do not know things about them. It does hurt me when people stigmatize me and do not look at the whole picture. Did you know most people with Bipolar Disorder live fully functioning lives? Can you guess where I am.... Exactly!!! So if you do not want to see a BITCH come out... I really suggest for you to get a proper understanding before you ever pass judgement on me! I do not do it others and I hope you have at least some human skills to give me the same thing....

I may feel like a monster sometimes... but then again I am sure we all do!

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PCOS Awareness Month- Sept.. Please Read

I know I have not written in a while but there really was not a lot that I thought to write about.

The month of September is PCOS Awareness Month. PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and I was diagnosed with this over 6 years ago. I would not wish this syndrome on anyone not even my worst enemy. Just like any other disease and disorders this one needs to be talked about. PCOS in a way turned my world upside down and put on an adventure that I wish I never had to endure. This is my story....

When I got married in 2004 everything seemed perfect and the world was there for Christopher and I. Physically speaking I was relatively fit and happy with everything. However, when Christopher and I wanted to start a family I decided to get off birth control and just make sure everything was fine with me reproductive system. I was 22 and besides irregular periods that was under control with my birth control I figured there was nothing wrong... why would I? However, within months things started happening my body was changing again... kind of reminded me of puberty in a way. My face started getting acne for the first time in my life, periods became very irregular, weight gain from no where, and so many other things. It did not make any sense to me so I changed my appointment and went sooner  to the doctor. When I went to the doctor he thought it could just be the things going on in my life but he agreed that I should do some blood work and an ultrasound.... just to be safe. The following day I got a call from the doctor that I needed to come in to discuss my results (my doctor always told me that he would only call if there was something...). He told me that he thought I had PCOS and needed to do more test. I did several more test to include blood work and a ultrasound that day. I started having to go to the doctor more then I have gone in the past two years. Besides an old back injury that requires me to go to the doctor every 6 months to look at the area I was now becoming a fixture it seemed. Every test pointed to PCOS and he did not like my ultrasound results of my ovaries so I had to do a catscan so he could get a better look at my ovaries and after that catscan he confirmed that I had PCOS.

I am not going to lie... I thought it would not be that bad and that I would need just to do some extra monitoring... boy was I wrong. He started me on the medication metformin.... which was very harsh to get use to. I ended up not being able to handle one form of the medication but was able to handle to an extended release form of it. My doctor said that I could have trouble having a child... again I thought it would not be that big of a deal. However, as the months went by with no positive pregnancy my faith and hope was diminishing... there were test, specialist, traveling, and treatments with nothing working. I did chart tracking with nothing and then close to a year of clomid. I became angry and hurt... I could not understand why so many could have children so easy and did not want them where all I wanted to be was a mother and could not... it seemed unfair. People were for the most part supportive but they could not walk in my shoes and the pain at so many points I thought I could not handle. I remember several times soaking in a bath thinking "If I could just go to sleep and not wake up until this nightmare has ended" by no means have I ever thought of taking my life it just hurt so bad. Years ticked by and still nothing... not even a false positive and I was constantly battling the other physical symptoms of PCOS. Then when I thought I would see the light at the end of tunnel something seem to pull me right back in the dark. Christopher deployed several time when trying to battle this and things would just stop. I would get back on Birth control to help my symptoms then I would be left alone with my thoughts..... and most of the time they were negative and hopeless. I kept telling myself that God would not give me more then I could handle but I always asked him "when is enough" there were many screaming nights and tears at him. Years seem to drag on forever and this last time Christopher got back my faith and hope was at an all time low. With the past 5 years nothing to show for it but tears and disappointment this upcoming battle of trying to have a child seemed like a loosing one at that.

My specialist, my husband, and I decided that the "natural" methods even with just a little assistance was not going to work. I can remember crying that day with that news... with Christopher still gone I felt like I was dying inside. We decided that the next step would be an IUI or the turkey baster method... is the easiest way to describe it! The first attempt completely failed... I did not even get past the medication phase. Then the specialist said we need stronger medication. I would end up taking shots plus oral medication. I had to give my shots every night and it hurt. To be honest I thought this one would not work because of some factors that I did not go into... even with my hesitations I decided to go ahead with the IUI. For some reason I was not anxious or nervous about the results. I cannot explain why I felt this way.... however, the day I took the test I saw a very faint line... but chalked it up to my eyes playing a trick on me. Christopher said there was a line there and I called the doctor who sent me in for bloodwork. I was pg! Even though, with all my excitement I still was scared and nervous it really was not what it was. A week later I did some more blood work to see if everything was growing the way it was suppose to and two weeks after that I saw my little miracle for the first time and heard the heart beat! All I can remember is crying... for once I felt like everything was right. I had to go in for another ultrasound my specialist was a worry wort but I do not blame him because I was too. I have now gone to over to regular ob care. I am consider high risk because of the circumstances but everything has gone just fine.... I am in my second trimester now and found out we are having a boy. We should meet our Son in January.

I am thankful for my husband who has been by my side every minute even when miles apart. I am lucky that I have a wonderful marriage and how strong we are! I have known several couples something like this has torn them apart. Now does this mean my PCOS journey is over?................ sadly it is not and I still fight everyday with symptoms of this and will have many more challenges to come. I was just one of the lucky ones to beat the infertility part of this... now I cannot say if my husband and I try for a second child things will be easier and I might not be able to overcome it again. However, I do have the faith that I can make it through this disorder.

For my cysters who have been able to have children or able to control their symptoms we did it!!! For my cysters who are still facing their personal battles please do not give up! Even though, there might not be a cure for us maybe the next generation there will be.

Respect is that so hard?

I have not written in a while but that is because there really was nothing to blog about plus taking a break from technology was a good thing. However, that is neither here or there with what this blog is about. There has been something riding on my heart for a very very long time. I love people from all over the world and cherish there uniqueness. I have wonderful friends from all walks of life that make me smile because of their friendship they offer no questions ask, they love me for who I am. However, in this life things change friendships end (for whatever reasons), life events let you explore a new part of your life, and so on (the list is endless). I have learned that in life you are allowed to have friends from everywhere and some of those friends will be in different circles, may know each other, and so on (this list is also endless). With this being said I have friends from High School, family friends, friends by surprise, friends across the world, friends that I no longer talk to but have left a great impact on me, and so on (this list is also endless). Sadly though there have been some very hard and bitter lessons that I learned through my life time and for me it all comes back to respect. I am not saying there are "rules" to friendship but I am sure a lot of us know the "GOLDEN RULE" (it comes in many forms) and what it means to them. For me the rule is simple it = respect. However, I am finding respect is hard to come by these days and sadly it has changed my views on a lot of things and wanting to shield my heart from all others who dare try to enter. I am not an easy person to get a long with but in reality I think the different you are the better but that is my opinion only. I have friends from all walk of life, some know each other, others know I am friends with others, and some have never and more than likely not meet each other in this lifetime. Which this brings me to my points about this blog. I am sorry this may seem nasty but you can decide whether or not what to think about me and what to do about.... trust me there will be no judgement about this against you because this is just what I believe.

I AM ALLOWED TO HAVE FRIENDS FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE! If you do not like who I am friends with then that is on you. The friends I decide to have our by my choice and I respect each and everyone for who they are. If you know each other and have problems with each other then that is on you guys. I WILL NOT CHOOSE SIDES WE ARE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL! If we are friends that is because we have a friendship between ME and YOU and NO ONE ELSE!

I DO NOT NEED BEST FRIENDS I NEED GOOD FRIENDS! I hate the whole best friend title and frankly I do not need it because there is to much crap that goes a long with it. I have some friends that are very close to me and that is what I need. I am sorry but this is how it is.

I WILL NOT HAVE ANYONE TO TELL ME HOW TO LIVE!!! Now this goes in all different directions but this is one of the most important to me. I will not have anyone tell me what is the right way to live or the wrong way to live. Whether you think I am good "Christian" or a bad "Christian". If you are my friend you will allow me to make my own mistakes because I am going to allow you make your own. You will also not tell me who to VOTE FOR, Where to go, Who I am allowed to talk too, and What I am allowed to do (go to different establishments, shop at certain places, and so on). I am going to screw up in life I am not perfect NO ONE IS and whether you knew something all along it is still my choice to make and if I fall flat on my face that is on me! I will respect any opinions and thoughts you have but that same courtesy I give you I would hope you would do the same.

DRAMA FREE!!! This one is almost important to me. I know having friends from all walks of life has caused conflict sometimes. However, there is something I do not want to even hear and this is my name. This means I do not want to hear my name from another person mouth in a negative fashion. This means rumors, second hand, and/or gossip. You should not hear your name in a negative fashion and if you do I hope you would bring it to me so "You" and "I" can discuss whatever the issue could be. Are any of perfect at this? HELL NO  but we should all at least try. I know I am!!!

I think friendships are a great thing but with all things they are always changing and by no means am I perfect at understanding friendships and how they change my life. I do promise this to people who decide that I am "okay" to be friends with that we are friends for a reason that is a bond between you and I and no one else. This allows me to get to know the real you without any outside influences (good or bad) and allows me to make my own choices about our friendship. Now I cannot tell you how our friendship will end up, whether is was for a season, a life time, and so on. However, if you offer me respect I can tell you I will try my hardest to give it back to you no matter what even if that means ending our friendship. I know this bitter thing to talk about but these are the facts.

Now I ask you this once can you give me the respect I deserve? Is respect so hard to give people?

The choice is yours!

I Love Being Alone... it is okay to enjoy the silence and your surroundings

I have had a couple of people ask me...where have I gone. I text back...what are you talking about? I have not been on Facebook or really calling anyone. I am thinking to myself is that a crime? Do I need an explanation on why I do something? Well let me FIRST say there is nothing wrong with me.... I am not in a Bi-polar up or down ( some of you have assumed) it is just Courtney.... that is right Courtney and Courtney likes to be alone and enjoy other things. I do not need to be up someones butt and I pretty dang on sure that I do not want anyone up my butt. I have decided to take a break from it all... is that wrong?

I realized that there is so much wrapped up in technology... not that is a bad thing. I got my Bachelors through an online school, I stay in contact with loved ones, shop, and even write this blog. However, it has become all to much for me right now... I love having my phone on silence, listening to music, READING, spending time with my animals and reflection.

I have started a garden this year and it has been amazing. Well first that I have not managed to kill anything and somewhere and somehow I got a tiny green thumb. I am a scientist, always have been so I know the mechanics of plants down to the cell walls but it is still also amazing to see things grow, survive, and thrive. Science cannot explain the peace and calmness I feel when I work in my little garden. Love seeing knew life from a multi-view is an amazing gift to have. Spending time with my animals.... seeing if I can out stare Charlie, get the last word in with Chloe, watching Corona play with a ball of paper and when you look at her acts like she was doing nothing, or thinking about measuring Casper's tail to provide proof to my mom that Casper's tail is not short which I am still deciding on. Waiting for my husband to get home...so we can play a game of cards, watch a movie, and just enjoy us. No Marine Stuff... No Outside Stuff... No Anything...... Just Christopher and I.

Then there is the amazing gift of reflection. I spent Easter Sunday alone because Christopher had duty (NO I WAS NOT UPSET ABOUT IT). I got to spend the entire day thinking of all the things I am grateful for and come up with a wonderful thought. There is nothing wrong with constant praise to God but there are sometimes things better than Hallelujah... I really will not go into to much detail about that because everyone has their own views on such subjects as these. I just know personally for me I cannot be that frikin happy all that time and he knows I will not be! That is what I have been reflecting on.

I guess the thing I have loved the most is the silence...... it is not total silence but a peaceful quite that allows my thoughts to run clear. I know this will show on Facebook but I am still not coming back for a while. There is to much sun to soak up, a book to read, and a garden to tend to.....

I Love Being Alone..... It Is Okay.....  

Military is What I Love.. SO GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR!!!

No pictures, no face, just my thoughts!!!!! Believe me this is one area I thought I would never go!!!!

I am in no way a openly political person and most people who really know me, know that this is an area that I do not debate about or even post about (until recently)... it really was not politically directed at anyone. In fact I do not even tell people what I am but for this one time only... I will.... I am an Independent (I am not of any party I choose not to identify with what I feel is right) and I really do not lean anyone direction. I have my views which I mind you are all over but I strongly believe in them some are Republican Views and some are Democratic Views and some are a combination of the both and then there are just my views.... which leads me to this..... THE MILITARY

I am an Army Brat to Marine Wife so I have lived this entire lifestyle my entire LIFE! There are so many things that are wonderful about the military-the heroes, the families, the friends you meet, and everything else in between please do not get me wrong there are some negativity- deployments and so on. However, if you lived this lifestyle your entire life you will realize there was peacetime and there will be peacetime again (hopefully- I am an optimistic). Now if you have asked me years ago that I would be in the same group of wonderful and powerful military wives that had to wait for letters and/or phone call  from their loved one I would have looked at you like you were an idiot. Well fast forward here we are now and I one of the wives. I am a very proud military wife and daughter...very motivated.... I do not wear a lot of t-shirts of the ARMY of MARINES or any service but if you talk to me I am very proud of where I come from, who I have married, and where we are going!

However, the one thing I will not stand for is messing with our heroes, it is bad enough dealing with the idiots who protest at military funerals the one place/people/or things that should be messing with is our pay (and other things but that it is not my thing or really need to talk about). Now I am not going to say that I completely understand the entire thing but I know a couple of things. 1- YOU ARE SCARING THE CRAP OUT OF A LOT of young couples. The military is just not made of old foggies but young couples some not even old enough to legally enough to drink but old enough to fight wars, who have no idea what is going to happen and if it does happen what will happen to them. Then there are people like me who have lived through this once before but as a child only mere understanding of what this all meant and knows what I will have to do, and there are others who will be able to get through this with no problems. However, do they think they realize what they are doing to us? All of us? I mean really think about it.... they are playing with are lives....  I will have to bring my own personal example in.

My husband and I are doing fertility treatment that we have to pay out of pocket for and it is not cheap. If we go through the shutdown. My husband and I will have to make the hard choice of whether or not to go forward with our treatment... how fair is that? I know it sounds stupid but the saying is true.... If they cut someone's pay they cannot pay half of their bills. My husband and I do not live beyond on our means...we live on a tight budget (AND WHATEVER YOU HEARD MILITARY FAMILIES ARE NOT MADE OF MONEY!!!). I do not drive a sports car, high end fashion clothes, and we do not go on vacations everywhere (I HAVE NOT BEEN ON A REAL VACATION IN SEVERAL YEARS). My husband cannot take a day "off" because he is feeling off or take a family vacation just to get away. Anyone who lives in the military lifestyle know that timing is not perfect but for once things are in and my husband's favor of having a family and this crap happens. Now I wish I could say we were one of lucky ones that could do this all naturally BUT WE DON'T.  Now I have to have faith that things will be okay because I am leaving it in the hands in my MAKER! However, it still scares me that I still might have to face that reality and who gives anyone the right to start a family? Why do I have to choose between the money that I saved for the treatment or use that money to help meet ends if this shut down actually happens. I am sorry that is a BUNCH OF CRAP!!!!



Now I posted in Facebook my first political post...well more of a government rant.

I do not talk politics with people (my friends know this) However, Government GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR! I have a couple of options! SEND ALL OUR SERVICEMEN HOME and you go over there while "you figure" this out because our Heroes work a hell of lot harder than any of you idiots on Capital Hill! OR Learn How to Play Nice Children- We did learn that in school!


I will tell you one thing my Hero like many others protects our COUNTRY and I PROTECT MY HOME, MY HERO, MY FAMILY!


I stand by this..... My Hero has done a lot of things for this Country and gone to places where I was unsure if he would make it back and cry myself to sleep many nights because I miss him by my side. I have had friends who gave their all. Yes- it was their choice to join and take on the honor of serving the Country they love and YOU IDIOTS CANNOT GET ALONG LONG ENOUGH TO DO THE RIGHT THING. So go home kiss your wife, your children, your nine side lovers, and even your sports car. You say no smoke and mirrors well LOOK AROUND JACK ASSES SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!!!! Walk in our shoes- understand what we see and feel.....




 I will never throw in the towel and let you idiots get me down... because you are not just messing with my husband or my family-who will also have the same thing happen to them. You are messing with my entire military family---- and I stated before.... I PROTECT MY HOME,  MY HERO and MY FAMILY!