Military is What I Love.. SO GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR!!!

No pictures, no face, just my thoughts!!!!! Believe me this is one area I thought I would never go!!!!

I am in no way a openly political person and most people who really know me, know that this is an area that I do not debate about or even post about (until recently)... it really was not politically directed at anyone. In fact I do not even tell people what I am but for this one time only... I will.... I am an Independent (I am not of any party I choose not to identify with what I feel is right) and I really do not lean anyone direction. I have my views which I mind you are all over but I strongly believe in them some are Republican Views and some are Democratic Views and some are a combination of the both and then there are just my views.... which leads me to this..... THE MILITARY

I am an Army Brat to Marine Wife so I have lived this entire lifestyle my entire LIFE! There are so many things that are wonderful about the military-the heroes, the families, the friends you meet, and everything else in between please do not get me wrong there are some negativity- deployments and so on. However, if you lived this lifestyle your entire life you will realize there was peacetime and there will be peacetime again (hopefully- I am an optimistic). Now if you have asked me years ago that I would be in the same group of wonderful and powerful military wives that had to wait for letters and/or phone call  from their loved one I would have looked at you like you were an idiot. Well fast forward here we are now and I one of the wives. I am a very proud military wife and daughter...very motivated.... I do not wear a lot of t-shirts of the ARMY of MARINES or any service but if you talk to me I am very proud of where I come from, who I have married, and where we are going!

However, the one thing I will not stand for is messing with our heroes, it is bad enough dealing with the idiots who protest at military funerals the one place/people/or things that should be messing with is our pay (and other things but that it is not my thing or really need to talk about). Now I am not going to say that I completely understand the entire thing but I know a couple of things. 1- YOU ARE SCARING THE CRAP OUT OF A LOT of young couples. The military is just not made of old foggies but young couples some not even old enough to legally enough to drink but old enough to fight wars, who have no idea what is going to happen and if it does happen what will happen to them. Then there are people like me who have lived through this once before but as a child only mere understanding of what this all meant and knows what I will have to do, and there are others who will be able to get through this with no problems. However, do they think they realize what they are doing to us? All of us? I mean really think about it.... they are playing with are lives....  I will have to bring my own personal example in.

My husband and I are doing fertility treatment that we have to pay out of pocket for and it is not cheap. If we go through the shutdown. My husband and I will have to make the hard choice of whether or not to go forward with our treatment... how fair is that? I know it sounds stupid but the saying is true.... If they cut someone's pay they cannot pay half of their bills. My husband and I do not live beyond on our means...we live on a tight budget (AND WHATEVER YOU HEARD MILITARY FAMILIES ARE NOT MADE OF MONEY!!!). I do not drive a sports car, high end fashion clothes, and we do not go on vacations everywhere (I HAVE NOT BEEN ON A REAL VACATION IN SEVERAL YEARS). My husband cannot take a day "off" because he is feeling off or take a family vacation just to get away. Anyone who lives in the military lifestyle know that timing is not perfect but for once things are in and my husband's favor of having a family and this crap happens. Now I wish I could say we were one of lucky ones that could do this all naturally BUT WE DON'T.  Now I have to have faith that things will be okay because I am leaving it in the hands in my MAKER! However, it still scares me that I still might have to face that reality and who gives anyone the right to start a family? Why do I have to choose between the money that I saved for the treatment or use that money to help meet ends if this shut down actually happens. I am sorry that is a BUNCH OF CRAP!!!!



Now I posted in Facebook my first political post...well more of a government rant.

I do not talk politics with people (my friends know this) However, Government GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR! I have a couple of options! SEND ALL OUR SERVICEMEN HOME and you go over there while "you figure" this out because our Heroes work a hell of lot harder than any of you idiots on Capital Hill! OR Learn How to Play Nice Children- We did learn that in school!


I will tell you one thing my Hero like many others protects our COUNTRY and I PROTECT MY HOME, MY HERO, MY FAMILY!


I stand by this..... My Hero has done a lot of things for this Country and gone to places where I was unsure if he would make it back and cry myself to sleep many nights because I miss him by my side. I have had friends who gave their all. Yes- it was their choice to join and take on the honor of serving the Country they love and YOU IDIOTS CANNOT GET ALONG LONG ENOUGH TO DO THE RIGHT THING. So go home kiss your wife, your children, your nine side lovers, and even your sports car. You say no smoke and mirrors well LOOK AROUND JACK ASSES SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!!!! Walk in our shoes- understand what we see and feel.....




 I will never throw in the towel and let you idiots get me down... because you are not just messing with my husband or my family-who will also have the same thing happen to them. You are messing with my entire military family---- and I stated before.... I PROTECT MY HOME,  MY HERO and MY FAMILY! 

Bucket List- I Understand Finally and Why it is Not For Me.

I love the movie The Bucket List (But it is not for me)! I love Morgan Freeman and what can you say about Jack Nicholson! The whole story in movie to me is very moving and even though it did have a tearful ending I do not think that was the entire purpose of the movie (even though I love a good tearful movie). Now the basics of this movie is these two men have nothing in common besides they both have a terminal illness and they come from very two different backgrounds. Morgan Freeman's character Carter who was a blue collar worker has this list about the things he wanted to do before he died and Jack Nicholson character Edward comes from money but lives a lonely lifestyle decided he would fund their bucket lists. There were some great moments in the movie that would make you a smile and make you laugh until tears fall. 

The slogan of this movie is : You Only Live Once, So Why Not Die In Style?

As much as I love this movie I am not sure my slogan should be that and I really do not believe in a "bucket list". Please do not get me wrong there are many things that I would love to do but I do want to contain them to a list. I took for granted how precious time could be and I really do not want to spend it reading things about 100 places before you die, 1,000 things you should before you are gone, and so on. I do not understand why we have to focus are intentions on what we have to before we are gone. The fact of life is we will die we all knew we will one day take our last breath and if you are straight with your maker then you are good to go (sorry to be blunt about it). I have no intention on dying in style I am all for just closing my eyes! So why not focus on life?!?!

As great as this movie was I do not want be laying in a bed wishing that I would have done something different. However, at the same time I do not want to be putting stuff on a "list" because like many list they keep growing and sometimes things will never crossed off! Facing reality I am not going to walk on the moon anytime soon so I do not see the purpose of putting that on a list. Plus there are a lot of references to a list.... and to me it is actually more complicated. I rather experience things as they are! My Daddy always has told me that "you cannot hate something until you try it". I try to adopt that with everything that I do.... sometimes are better than others but I am willing to at least try and ALWAYS willing to listen to someone's views on things. 

I have gotten a tattoo, blown up a pumpkin (doing it again soon), and tried a Dirty Martini (yep-never going to happen again). There are many things that I still will like to do like go to a certain theme park during Halloween and ride their roller coasters and go on a cruise. I also know actions come with consequences so I am not going to jump of a building because I felt like it or even drive a race car... so what about having a family? Should I put that on my "bucket list" because of my challenges? It does bring up an interesting areas of discussion. That is why I do not believe in these "list".

I rather live my life, I know where my heart lies, I know where my soul lies, and I cannot stop time so instead of thinking of things I want to and putting them on a list I rather just live a life with the fewest regrets possible. 

There are really great quotes in the movie.... 

By Edward: The simplest thing is... I loved him. And I miss him. Carter and I saw the world together. Which is amazing... When you think that only three months ago, we were complete strangers! I hope that it doesn't sound selfish of me but... the last months of his life were the best months of mine. He saved my life... And he knew it before I did...

By Carter: Even now I cannot understand the measure of a life, but I can tell you this. I know that when he died, his eyes were closed and his heart was open. And I'm pretty sure he was happy with his final resting place, because he was buried on the mountain. And that was against the law. 

These are really great quotes because when you think about it, there are going to be a lot of people that come into your life that love you and will one day miss you but will have both impacted each other in a way that you may not understand now. These people may just be there for a season no more than a summer breeze and others will be there your entire lifetime and you will see the world together I think... and I am just not talking a physical places there is so much to experience if your heart is open. I have danced in another person's living room over a medication working. I cried because I had too... I watched a friend bust one heck of a move on the dance floor and bring a light no other.... I smiled because my dog Charlie looked up at me with his still puppy eyes... My heart broke because I could not explain why his Uncle would not be home for Christmas or could simply come over and play.... I played "thats not fair card" as my husband beat me in most video games.... I do not deny that I am more then a little country.... I know sometimes I get funny looks because I can be one of the guys.... It IS LIFE!!! 

The fact is a lot of us cannot understand the measure of a life and I will continue to question it to this day.... there will be times you will ask why or even scream it to the sky? However, with an open heart you can do many great things.

One of these great things is laughing!!! I think if I did actually have a list that would be on there a hundred times or more. My favorite scene in the entire movie was the conversation about the coffee that Edward loved! 

[Carter hands Edward an article about Kopi Luwak, Edward's favorite coffee]
Carter Chambers: Read it.
Edward Cole: [reading] Kopi Luwak is the world's most expensive coffee. Though for some, it falls under the category of "too good to be true." In the Sumatran village, where the beans are grown, lives a breed of wild tree cat. These cats eat the beans, digest them and then... defecate.
[pauses]
Edward Cole: The villagers then collect and process the stools. It is the combination of the beans and the gastric juices of the tree cat that give Kopi Luwac...
[Carter starts laughing]
Edward Cole: ...its unique flavor... and aroma. You're shitting me!
Carter Chambers: [laughing] Cats beat me to it!
[Carter and Edward both laugh hysterically] 

I love to laugh and when it is side splitting it is the best because you know at that time your heart is really open and you are enjoying the moment no matter what it is.... and I have been in a lot of side splitting laughter. I will not post any memories on here but even thinking about them now puts a smile on my face.

Therefore I am not going to have life dictated on a list or in a bucket for that matter! 

Loving Me- Blessed with Challenges

I think one of the hardest things I have had to deal with in my life is "loving me". The concept of being your own worst enemy must have hit me twice because I am very critical of myself. One of the things that I have been dealing with for the past several months (couple of years) is my self-esteem, I am able to put on a front for the most part (that might be my only successful poker face because I think they cannot look in). However, over the years I lost who I was... like the smile was no longer real.... everyone goes through challenges and right now mine are mainly in the healthy department! Having PCOS has made me stronger and has encourage me to do great things to show support and let other people know I will not let PCOS beat me in any form. However, even with all the positive aspects I can share... there is still a toll on my body. The fact that I need "help" in the fertility department and with the symptoms of PCOS and medications out the whazoo I should be a professional yo-yo. I am not going to lie it hurts looking at my wedding pictures and seeing what I look like now... I know people people change through the years but I look at those pictures and often do not see that same woman looking back at me, which is scary because I believe all women should feel beautiful inside and out because we are! However, I feel like I a lot of us do not know this or know how to feel this to include myself. My biggest challenge is seeing the difference in pictures. In other words, I get dressed up and I feel really good because I have lost weight in a smaller sizes then I see pictures and I am like what the ?!?! Then I begin to compare myself to family and friends.... it is like I do not always match up with what I feel. However, I am not alone on this I am no different comparing myself to other women... my CHALLENGE is to get past that. I want to look at pictures,  the mirror, and so on and see the same face and body and recognize it as my own. I want women to embrace who they are not feel self critical about themselves, because we are all beautiful the key is finding that path ourselves. I figured out in small steps on how to love me and even though I have a long way to go... it helps to realize that I have faced these challenges head on!

1. I always try to look nice when I leave the house (I use to never do that... and then I would feel crappy).
2. When I think I have done really well on my Make-up and Hair do a quick self-shot (have not posted many)
3. Post a full body shot (not done it yet)
4. Write down what I see in a picture and then ask someone else what they see.... (have not gathered the nerves for that one yet).
5. Point out what I think is beautiful verses what I see as flawed.... (done a litte)
6. Embrace compliments

The list keeps growing... but hopefully it will all come together and will find that Loving Me really is not that hard.

I hope you all will find way to love yourself if you have not already found that key for yourself

Standing In The Rain ---- It is a long one

From the start of March I have been kind of out of it or in of it for a numerous reasons (some are known and others I am keeping private). However, all these reasons I have ignored or tried too and they have come boiling to the surface and now I have to battle them all at once. I like to think I only lost a battle but not the war. The war I speak of is war as the one you fight along the path to your destination. I believe a lot people can relate to this war sometimes these battles are easy to win, sometimes we loose the battles, and there are times that we "stuck" and have to wait to see how these battles turn out but the war is never ending until well frankly you make it your final destination and I will not stop fighting until I get there. Now every war is different because no one person goes through exactly the same thing there may be similarities here and there but the war is truly unique to the individual. We all have our weaknesses and flaws but we also have are strengths and beauty that makes us.

However, I have been running away from everything that makes me. There is a song by SUPERCHIC(K) called STANDING IN THE RAIN.

"She Never Slows Down...

She doesn't know why but she knows when she's all alone, feels like it is all coming down

She wont turn around

The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down" 

Now I am not saying I do not cry because I do but I am often not an instant crier I do try hide my emotions best I can (does not work to well- I lack a poker face) but when I do this it comes all out and then I have to try make sense of things and then I have to go to battle because when that first tear falls in that battle those tears will not stop raining down. I also try not look back there is to much stuff going on now and what is done is done whether it is good or bad ( I always use to say that you cannot change the past and that part is true BUT you can learn from your past) that is why I never slow down because I feel like if I slow down then I have to turn around and face that past that often hurts. However, a good friend taught me that it is okay to stand in the rain.

"So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain

You won't drown

And one day, what was lost can be found

You stand in the rain"

Now she never said rain she used the term "KEYS"... I hold the keys to my life and I can do a lot of things with these keys. I can let the walls close around me (the option I usually prefer), I can face the things that are bothering me, or basically do whatever I want with these keys. She also said that I also have someone helping me and that is God ( I know all of us come from many places, beliefs, and faiths so what I am trying to say is that how you get through tough times). I am probably one of the worse prayers in the world... in fact I sometimes I do not think I really understand the term but then I also know a great man a Chaps who said I can just talk.... However, recently my talks have been hard so I have turned to writing, I think that is how I pray by writing them down because when I read them back they sound no different as if I would speak them. So right now I am holding these keys and frankly there are a lot of them (like a janitor set) and I am going through each and everyone of these keys trying to figure out what the key is for. Whether the key is actually suppose to be on the ring, needs to be place in a box until further notice, or completely thrown out because it no longer has a purpose (like you have all these keys to locks but the locks are long gone). 

I often feel lost sometimes I feel like I am going in circles or in a Halloween Corn Maze (that was one nightmare...LOL). Where there are dead ends, things that scare you, things you must face, and even a combination of them all. However, my friend has encouraged me that I will never drown their is one who will not let me fall or drown for that matter how close I feel that I feel like the grip is slipping or no longer being able to hold the water in my head. In fact when I cannot feel him not all he might be carrying me....

" One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,

other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed

that during the low periods of my life,

when I was suffering from

anguish, sorrow or defeat,

I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,

"You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you,

you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during

the most trying periods of my life

there have only been one

set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most,

you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,

"The times when you have

seen only one set of footprints,

is when I carried you."

Mary Stevenson

"She won't make a sound

Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands

She'll fall down

She wants to be found

The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down"

I often do not let people into my problems, there are a select few because I prefer things not be sugarcoated for me. I believe with all my heart that most peoples' intentions are good but sometimes can be to sweet almost diabetes sweet not that is a bad thing once in a while but if you do not know who the person really is it may not be the thing for that person. The more sweetness I often get the more likely I will push back with salt and pepper (sorry if you do not get my sense of humor but that is me). When this happens I choose not to be found... I rather.... well I do not know, I guess I am still figuring that part out. However, the select people who have fully come to understand me know.... they know how to speak to me. It is almost a science (for everyone) what works from one person does not always work for another and the "KEY" is to figure that out.   Now I am still learning the science to some people because when I feel alone and I fight with myself I do fear things if I stand but the ones who understand me know how to find me and pull me out and allow me to stand in the rain if that means I have to cry, scream, or have a Jethro Slap (NCIS) once in a while. The science is constantly changing for understand people so people must adapt (I will admit I am slightly an evolutionist meaning will not go in much detail to that but I will say that I believe must always move forward to grow). Just like the song says the only way out is through the things I am running from, so those keys pop back up. I need to find out what I am really running from... but the ones that have truly found me know MY FACES they understand that what you see is who I am The Good, The Bad, The Courtney.... 

The Good, The Bad, The Courtney is something that is truly important to me. A good friend told that not many people understand her humor. However, with her humor she does not waiver and she does not change because of other people. I was told that I have always tried to be the same Courtney... the goofy, the logic finding, the smart ass, the one who never completes her sentences, dances behind close doors, and marches to her own beat of my drum. That is why only a few people understand who I am and when certain life events  occurred  they embraced who I was and just realize it was another part of Courtney. I know one of biggest flaws is that I often live in a shell or close my heart off and I am still learning how to soften it and learn how to do things all over again, like a child (that is for another blog). I love people who are the same.... in other words they are they same with me as they would be if another person... like my friends humor! I rather have the friends that have The Good, The Bad, The *Insert Name Here* then only the part they want me to see. For the flaws that we have that is part of us also makes us beautiful inside and out..... so stand in the rain when you need to!

I know I have to stand in the rain now... it will not be overnight but things rarely happen every night but I know I lost the first battle/round with these demons, with time I will win the next battle with the things I need to face right now and when I am done I will continue on to the path to my final destination and face the next challenge on the path whether it is just a simple stone or another battle.....

My Last Thing I Want To Say: ~THANK YOU~ For the gift you have is amazing, even though I do not know what that gift is I am glad you are able to share a little of it with me.

I Can Tell... New Face

Some recent events have finally told that I am on the right path for at least one part of my life and that is relating to people...odd I know? However, when I think about it is it really not that odd at all. I am an active listener, do not judge their view on things, and if they want my advice then I give it (because you can give all the advice in the world but they do not have to take it). I always tell my self that I am a science brain person but I guess there is more to my brain then I realized. I am often a sounding board for many people and I KNOW the importance of have that need but I have to laugh to myself because my mother has told me this and so has some friends but it was not until now that my eyes were open. I can hear my mom saying " I told you so" but unless you realize it for yourself you are not going to see it. 

Now I am still very much a science brain person and I love to find logic and see results. My parents said I am willing to research anything, I am a little bit of evolutionist I suppose even though I have a relationship with the Lord. Maybe the ability to be open to many things allows me to be this person that I am because it is just not people my age. I find that people of all ages and all walks of life often like to talk to me... I can even get most children to open up to me. 

Maybe this is a new face or maybe this is a face I already had and coming out my shell. There are a lot of times that I just close myself off from the world often accused of not having a back bone but I think that was never the case. I think back then I was simply observing people- My Mom and Dad made a joke from seeing the Movie Red the Character Sarah Ross (Mary-Louise Parker) when she was in the back seat when Frank Moses (Bruce Willis) is talking to her about how their first meeting should be different. You see her in the rear view mirror with duck tape on her mouth but talking with her eyes! I was like what do you mean... and my mother states "You do not have to physically speak and people still know what you are thinking" well there goes my poker face. However, when I think about it she is right and explains some things I do....  hehe. So I dubbed this Mona Lisa Face.... whether this is something people already know about or is new.... but when you look at the Mona Lisa (no I am not talking about a code) cover up parts of her eyes- look at her mouth what do you see, cover her mouth what do see, cover one side of her face what do see? Her expressions change... I learned about this in an art history class. 

So what does this boil down to.... I am a firework... and I am really starting to know who I am.

 

Life Events-You cannot stop them but we can Process

It is amazing of all the life events that can impact one's life. In other words... you believe your are one path the all of a sudden you are thrown off that path, shaken, confused, and in order to proceed you have to take a step back and process. This was made more clear to me this past week, in fact I was slapped in the face with it. There are things I am dealing with, things that I am keeping private and only a few know just to keep the stress down, others I am trying to figure out how to get started that I am very excited about, but nothing can ever prepare you for changes thrown at you!!!

In small world, I know how it is to think that one thing is going to happen and then something you were not expecting swoops in and you are like what in the world do I do now. The problem is by the time you seem to just getting on the path with one another thing happens. Right now it seems where ever I step: I am falling, stumbling, trying to make sense of things around me. It really started back when Christopher and I were going to start up our fertility treatments, we were on a set path and I went to the doctor before he came home to just get things in order to find out the "original" plan was no longer an option and we had to enter a step that we should not have to enter yet. I took be by surprise- I cried in the parking lot called a friend and just screamed it was not fair. It is very hard to make terms with life-events.So fast forward to now- I have graduated, going through some things, and about to start things I am really excited about. However, with that being said life happens! Now I am not going into detail what is going on because a lot of it is in the "air" but this event has ripped the floor right out from underneath me and well a lot of other people. A lot of us are still "processing" the news... in fact I will process until everything is set! I cannot stop this so what am I going to do? Well what can I do? - I can sit here and do nothing- that is not an option, that will only make things worse. What I can do is face the challenges head on... and that is what I am going to do. How I am going to get there will be one thing but with time I will know the way.....


Who knows maybe there will be a cruise....

How to Start Your Own Book Club

I have a great friend who wrote this to give me ideas on how to be in a book club or start a book club!!!

How to Start Your Own Book Club