Thursday, July 19, 2012
The Many Faces Of Courtney: Friends...... Who Needs Them?
The Many Faces Of Courtney: Friends...... Who Needs Them?: Who needs friends? ..... well me! For a long long time I took the stand of I really do not need friends. Which might explain from High Schoo...
Friends...... Who Needs Them?
Who needs friends? ..... well me! For a long long time I took the stand of I really do not need friends. Which might explain from High School that I only had two really good friends. Now it is not that I did not have friends... because I did and I even had some that I considered best friends but in reality I knew nothing about friendship. So very often the term aloof or distant came around my name once or twice. I just had a hard time getting close to people and still is an obstacle that I still face. My mom would always say "you need to let your wall downs". However, the walls were my safety and when I did manage to let them down even just a tiny bit it seemed to only end in disaster. I must of have missed the class on how to make friends or meet genuine people. By no means am I anti-social or weird around people, well no more then I already am.
I guess the first thing is I am not even sure what the true meaning of friendship is.... is a group of people who get together with like interest and then talk about another group or individual, just simply hang out because you have a common factor like being on the "baseball team", labeled as a certain click, and so on. Just like many people I used these qualifying areas to have friends and well as you can see I am almost 30 and writing about friendship. Now I do not think really any of these are a real good description of friendship... little pieces here and there (very later) but I will bring that up later. However, even in these rough qualifying factors there was a diamond in a rough... maybe the first clue on what friend ship is. When I was in the 9th grade a new boy came to school and boy was he something to look at (and not what you think). Rough, black trench coat, crazy blonde hair, and so. My first thought and I not going to lie... was this boy is going to to blow up the school. We ended up having study hall together he came and sat down by me ( he must of sensed I was a loaner). We shared introductions and then he took me surprise the shit bit me! He then stated I am a vampire and your are now mine ( yep there was a loon sitting next to me). I swear to you I am not lying about this... it is to weird to make up. Now common sense should say... run away and find the nearest doctor and get a rabies shot! However, I continued to chat with him and besides the whole biting me as an introduction. Through the 9th grade we were nothing more than then friends who casually talked and by no means was I in his social group or him in mine (not sure if I had one)... which was probably safe just in case all introductions were about biting. Then like everything the school year ends and I did not even see him all summer not even a brush encounter that I recall school started again and boy was I in for a shock... thinking I would see the same guy I knew before... here was this guy- clean cut, tucked in shirts, belts, and so on (look out Madonna). However, with this change brought a new thing freshmen girls (annoying ones I might add). They would ask my all the time if I thought if he was cute ( he was very handsome) but I was never attracted to him in that way. In fact I thought of him as a complete jerk that year and we hardly talked... which was fine by me. Then 11th grade rolled around we talked more and more but it was mainly a repeat of the 9th grade just talking to guy that I knew. Our senior in High School is where our friendship I guess you could have said blossomed (I know it sounds like I about to say we are going to fall in love or something but bare with me). We just became what I would call really good friends and we hung out just like friends would do of the same sex.... by this I mean... stay up all night watch movies, talk about relationships, problems, do stupid guy type stuff water gun fights (which I acknowledge I cheated and took a cheap shot) or putting together a hardwood floor (I was just their for company) to realize that it was installed wrong and a hammer went through the wall in frustration. Now as you can tell I am very much a girl and he is a guy.... but somehow gender never really factored into our friendship. Oh but we heard the comments "So whats going on with you too?" , "it is not possible for opposite sexes to be friends", "one of you will fall in love with the other", and so but are answers were always the same... sometimes they were just a look at each other and a laugh... or "there is nothing going on!".
Now why did I write this whole story... well the most obvious is that we are still very good friends actually more like brother and sister... we exchange luv yas no different than expressing them to an actual relative. We are almost in our 30s married to wonderful people and still friends for almost 16 years. Now why I also write about this.... is that it took me four years to develop a healthy friendship.... and I am not even sure if one of those years should count because I thought he was a jerk. So I asked myself does it really take that long to develop a healthy friendship. I will say yes and no to this but will talk about this later. A very good friend of mine reminded me that we are constantly learning and growing in life, just like this friendship. We would have relationships come and go and exchange advice whether or not we thought they "right' for each other. I can remember the guy that I thought I was going to marry my friend took an instant dislike too but I thought he was wrong we even stopped talking over this briefly (like two girls would). However, I saw the light and realized he was right. I did meet Mr. Right and he knew of my friend from the start and when they met they hit it off (I am lucky my husband is far from the jealous type).... and boy can those two be idiots together. However, as a friend once pointed out things are constantly changing in life just as this relationship. We brought in our spouses and children and it is has become a "unit" now versus more than just him and I being friends, which is fine because it is something I would not change for the world.
However, because my "best friend" is a guy I never really had healthy relationships with women. First off I never understood the terms "BFF", "Besties", and so on. I just never understood the label or should I say the drama that often comes with that label. Now please do not get me wrong I have used these type terms before (minus Besties- Neverliked that one).The people/ladies in my life that I called best friends in reality were not.... and it sad that I had to figure this out over a long bumpy road. I would say starting in college until now I have been really focusing on why or what I lacked to develop in friends. Now these are just my own personal experience an opinion.....
The one thing I hate is drama.... now I am just as guilty for being in it but for the most part I try to avoid it all cost. When I first thought of being good friends with someone you could tell that person everything and things would be safe but in reality the only secret that is safe is the one that is not spoken. I use to be in this group of friends that I thought was safe (it was friendships I developed through a church). However, my name started coming back to me and things that were meant to be kept private and safe. I have a friend who "knew all about me" and "I knew all about her" before we actually even met.... It has always driven me nuts... that people prefer to make up my mind for me about a person. That drives me nuts! I do not want anyone to have an "impression" of me before they even actually met me! .............. So what have I learned?
The person I knew everything about..... and she knew everything about me.... we talked and realized what happen.... and realized how dangerous drama and gossip can be. We made our own impressions and judgment of each other..... and I will tell you one thing it is not what they told me she would be like!
You know it okay to keep things private... no one needs to know everything about you or your family (there is a thing as revealing to much). I could care less what you or your family is doing every minute of every day and I sure hope you are not seeing what I do every day... boy would that be one boring shocking show! It is okay to reveal things when you feel the need. I have a few friends that I am comfortable talking to things about.... and I mean few! Please do not get offended if you are not in my group because I could care less if I was in yours because if I was in your circle then we would both know it than there be an understanding.
I also do not have to have everything in common in with my friends.... if that was the case... then none of use would have friends. I have friends from all race, gender, political views (do not talk about), religion (do not talk about), sexual orientation (do not talk about), and so on. I have two very good friends who are very much into reality TV and when we are in a conversation and the topic veers towards these shows.... I am not going to lie... my lights are on but no one is home! I just do not understand them but at the same time I sure they give me the same look when it comes to my crime shows, M*A*S*H, or Big Bang Theory. However, what we do not have in common makes us often laugh and if you think what we do not have in common makes us laugh even harder. Like dancing like fools and not caring who looking, showing our age, and just wanting to have a good time. I am also blessed to have these friends and the ability to talk to them without the fear of judgement. I have one friend especially that I can talk to her about anything and ask her anything and there is no judgement no nothing... which is a breath of fresh air.
I have also learned friendship is a two way street. If one side keeps giving and giving the bridge will crack and that is on mistake I repeated more than once. I am the one who has give and give in a relationship until I snap and sadly once it snaps I will burn the bridge completely off. I have a hard time rebuilding bridges once they are broken. However, a good friend who knows the entire dances to various artists told me that you cannot just give and give it is not fair to you. Then I have this friend who I swear stresses out just as much as do... and I tell her stuff that I should keep in mind myself. However, she always knows when just to send the right note that she is just thinking of me and my family. I remember making a joke when she was visiting her friends in Spain about you "should bring me some candy or the gemstone (I think it was one the Gemstones Spain is known for). However, when she came home she surprised me with some yummy candy! Then my other friend who is one of the most happy people I know has one of the most caring hearts I know and even in the worst of times she can see the positive. Have you ever been around a person where they seem always to be negative and can bring the mood down or just the opposite. She is like a sunshine ray and she has the ability to let things to just roll off. I know so many people that can take lessons from her to include myself.
You know I was blessed with just a brother and there is probably good reason for that... one that if I was given a sister to grow up one of us would not have made it out alive. However, I like to think of it a little differently.... God allowed this special lady to come into my life. I met her a couple of years ago she was the same age as a lot of us but I think who her parents were.... they either decided to be friends with her or her parents... I decided why cannot it not be both. This is one of my most amazing friends... it may because we are on the same wave length or have similar quirks but you cannot come across a more caring friend than her. She is very smart (which is the reason I think some ladies were afraid to get to know her- just my thoughts), honest, loves to craft, and games. To be honest if I was allowed to mold a brother and sister I know I would have a lot from her! I just wish I get to see her more but I know she is always there. Plus I think our career paths with cross.
Now what is the common factors of these friends and why I need them in my life.... No they are not in the same social group.... and some have and I am pretty sure will never meet each other. The one common factor is they showed me what it is to be a good friend is... because I lack that or I am still learning it. Not one of the pretends to know what is like to be in my shoes as I do not pretend to know what it like. They do not judge me because I am Bipolar... they like I how I see the world. They simply just know how to be there and I the same..... to live in a life with out a fear of judgement and drama free is a great feeling.
I lacked the personal skills on who to develop a healthy friendship and whether it was by my choosing, bipolar related, and so.... it is these friends (and the couple I broke friendship off with) that are teaching me how and what it means to be a good friend....
So here is it what it boils down too in what I think it means to be a good friend (just my own thought)
1. It is okay to keep parts of your life private (no one needs to know everything about everyone)
2. NO DRAMA
3. Have a great time with your friends
4. Just be there for your friends in their time of crisis or need (never try to walk in ANYONES shoes unless you have been in the same situation)
5. friendship is a two street (and know what way it is pulling if you feeling fractures)
6. Love your friends for who they are... and try not to judge (remember why you became friends to begin with).
7. It is okay not use labels (well in my case)
8. realize friendships as well as life are constantly changing....
So who needs friends?.... I do.... and I am sure most of you guys do to.... but the question is.... whether or not is it a good friendship!
I guess the first thing is I am not even sure what the true meaning of friendship is.... is a group of people who get together with like interest and then talk about another group or individual, just simply hang out because you have a common factor like being on the "baseball team", labeled as a certain click, and so on. Just like many people I used these qualifying areas to have friends and well as you can see I am almost 30 and writing about friendship. Now I do not think really any of these are a real good description of friendship... little pieces here and there (very later) but I will bring that up later. However, even in these rough qualifying factors there was a diamond in a rough... maybe the first clue on what friend ship is. When I was in the 9th grade a new boy came to school and boy was he something to look at (and not what you think). Rough, black trench coat, crazy blonde hair, and so. My first thought and I not going to lie... was this boy is going to to blow up the school. We ended up having study hall together he came and sat down by me ( he must of sensed I was a loaner). We shared introductions and then he took me surprise the shit bit me! He then stated I am a vampire and your are now mine ( yep there was a loon sitting next to me). I swear to you I am not lying about this... it is to weird to make up. Now common sense should say... run away and find the nearest doctor and get a rabies shot! However, I continued to chat with him and besides the whole biting me as an introduction. Through the 9th grade we were nothing more than then friends who casually talked and by no means was I in his social group or him in mine (not sure if I had one)... which was probably safe just in case all introductions were about biting. Then like everything the school year ends and I did not even see him all summer not even a brush encounter that I recall school started again and boy was I in for a shock... thinking I would see the same guy I knew before... here was this guy- clean cut, tucked in shirts, belts, and so on (look out Madonna). However, with this change brought a new thing freshmen girls (annoying ones I might add). They would ask my all the time if I thought if he was cute ( he was very handsome) but I was never attracted to him in that way. In fact I thought of him as a complete jerk that year and we hardly talked... which was fine by me. Then 11th grade rolled around we talked more and more but it was mainly a repeat of the 9th grade just talking to guy that I knew. Our senior in High School is where our friendship I guess you could have said blossomed (I know it sounds like I about to say we are going to fall in love or something but bare with me). We just became what I would call really good friends and we hung out just like friends would do of the same sex.... by this I mean... stay up all night watch movies, talk about relationships, problems, do stupid guy type stuff water gun fights (which I acknowledge I cheated and took a cheap shot) or putting together a hardwood floor (I was just their for company) to realize that it was installed wrong and a hammer went through the wall in frustration. Now as you can tell I am very much a girl and he is a guy.... but somehow gender never really factored into our friendship. Oh but we heard the comments "So whats going on with you too?" , "it is not possible for opposite sexes to be friends", "one of you will fall in love with the other", and so but are answers were always the same... sometimes they were just a look at each other and a laugh... or "there is nothing going on!".
Now why did I write this whole story... well the most obvious is that we are still very good friends actually more like brother and sister... we exchange luv yas no different than expressing them to an actual relative. We are almost in our 30s married to wonderful people and still friends for almost 16 years. Now why I also write about this.... is that it took me four years to develop a healthy friendship.... and I am not even sure if one of those years should count because I thought he was a jerk. So I asked myself does it really take that long to develop a healthy friendship. I will say yes and no to this but will talk about this later. A very good friend of mine reminded me that we are constantly learning and growing in life, just like this friendship. We would have relationships come and go and exchange advice whether or not we thought they "right' for each other. I can remember the guy that I thought I was going to marry my friend took an instant dislike too but I thought he was wrong we even stopped talking over this briefly (like two girls would). However, I saw the light and realized he was right. I did meet Mr. Right and he knew of my friend from the start and when they met they hit it off (I am lucky my husband is far from the jealous type).... and boy can those two be idiots together. However, as a friend once pointed out things are constantly changing in life just as this relationship. We brought in our spouses and children and it is has become a "unit" now versus more than just him and I being friends, which is fine because it is something I would not change for the world.
However, because my "best friend" is a guy I never really had healthy relationships with women. First off I never understood the terms "BFF", "Besties", and so on. I just never understood the label or should I say the drama that often comes with that label. Now please do not get me wrong I have used these type terms before (minus Besties- Neverliked that one).The people/ladies in my life that I called best friends in reality were not.... and it sad that I had to figure this out over a long bumpy road. I would say starting in college until now I have been really focusing on why or what I lacked to develop in friends. Now these are just my own personal experience an opinion.....
The one thing I hate is drama.... now I am just as guilty for being in it but for the most part I try to avoid it all cost. When I first thought of being good friends with someone you could tell that person everything and things would be safe but in reality the only secret that is safe is the one that is not spoken. I use to be in this group of friends that I thought was safe (it was friendships I developed through a church). However, my name started coming back to me and things that were meant to be kept private and safe. I have a friend who "knew all about me" and "I knew all about her" before we actually even met.... It has always driven me nuts... that people prefer to make up my mind for me about a person. That drives me nuts! I do not want anyone to have an "impression" of me before they even actually met me! .............. So what have I learned?
The person I knew everything about..... and she knew everything about me.... we talked and realized what happen.... and realized how dangerous drama and gossip can be. We made our own impressions and judgment of each other..... and I will tell you one thing it is not what they told me she would be like!
You know it okay to keep things private... no one needs to know everything about you or your family (there is a thing as revealing to much). I could care less what you or your family is doing every minute of every day and I sure hope you are not seeing what I do every day... boy would that be one boring shocking show! It is okay to reveal things when you feel the need. I have a few friends that I am comfortable talking to things about.... and I mean few! Please do not get offended if you are not in my group because I could care less if I was in yours because if I was in your circle then we would both know it than there be an understanding.
I also do not have to have everything in common in with my friends.... if that was the case... then none of use would have friends. I have friends from all race, gender, political views (do not talk about), religion (do not talk about), sexual orientation (do not talk about), and so on. I have two very good friends who are very much into reality TV and when we are in a conversation and the topic veers towards these shows.... I am not going to lie... my lights are on but no one is home! I just do not understand them but at the same time I sure they give me the same look when it comes to my crime shows, M*A*S*H, or Big Bang Theory. However, what we do not have in common makes us often laugh and if you think what we do not have in common makes us laugh even harder. Like dancing like fools and not caring who looking, showing our age, and just wanting to have a good time. I am also blessed to have these friends and the ability to talk to them without the fear of judgement. I have one friend especially that I can talk to her about anything and ask her anything and there is no judgement no nothing... which is a breath of fresh air.
I have also learned friendship is a two way street. If one side keeps giving and giving the bridge will crack and that is on mistake I repeated more than once. I am the one who has give and give in a relationship until I snap and sadly once it snaps I will burn the bridge completely off. I have a hard time rebuilding bridges once they are broken. However, a good friend who knows the entire dances to various artists told me that you cannot just give and give it is not fair to you. Then I have this friend who I swear stresses out just as much as do... and I tell her stuff that I should keep in mind myself. However, she always knows when just to send the right note that she is just thinking of me and my family. I remember making a joke when she was visiting her friends in Spain about you "should bring me some candy or the gemstone (I think it was one the Gemstones Spain is known for). However, when she came home she surprised me with some yummy candy! Then my other friend who is one of the most happy people I know has one of the most caring hearts I know and even in the worst of times she can see the positive. Have you ever been around a person where they seem always to be negative and can bring the mood down or just the opposite. She is like a sunshine ray and she has the ability to let things to just roll off. I know so many people that can take lessons from her to include myself.
You know I was blessed with just a brother and there is probably good reason for that... one that if I was given a sister to grow up one of us would not have made it out alive. However, I like to think of it a little differently.... God allowed this special lady to come into my life. I met her a couple of years ago she was the same age as a lot of us but I think who her parents were.... they either decided to be friends with her or her parents... I decided why cannot it not be both. This is one of my most amazing friends... it may because we are on the same wave length or have similar quirks but you cannot come across a more caring friend than her. She is very smart (which is the reason I think some ladies were afraid to get to know her- just my thoughts), honest, loves to craft, and games. To be honest if I was allowed to mold a brother and sister I know I would have a lot from her! I just wish I get to see her more but I know she is always there. Plus I think our career paths with cross.
Now what is the common factors of these friends and why I need them in my life.... No they are not in the same social group.... and some have and I am pretty sure will never meet each other. The one common factor is they showed me what it is to be a good friend is... because I lack that or I am still learning it. Not one of the pretends to know what is like to be in my shoes as I do not pretend to know what it like. They do not judge me because I am Bipolar... they like I how I see the world. They simply just know how to be there and I the same..... to live in a life with out a fear of judgement and drama free is a great feeling.
I lacked the personal skills on who to develop a healthy friendship and whether it was by my choosing, bipolar related, and so.... it is these friends (and the couple I broke friendship off with) that are teaching me how and what it means to be a good friend....
So here is it what it boils down too in what I think it means to be a good friend (just my own thought)
1. It is okay to keep parts of your life private (no one needs to know everything about everyone)
2. NO DRAMA
3. Have a great time with your friends
4. Just be there for your friends in their time of crisis or need (never try to walk in ANYONES shoes unless you have been in the same situation)
5. friendship is a two street (and know what way it is pulling if you feeling fractures)
6. Love your friends for who they are... and try not to judge (remember why you became friends to begin with).
7. It is okay not use labels (well in my case)
8. realize friendships as well as life are constantly changing....
So who needs friends?.... I do.... and I am sure most of you guys do to.... but the question is.... whether or not is it a good friendship!
Monday, June 25, 2012
The Many Faces Of Courtney: I am a Mom and I am Bipolar
The Many Faces Of Courtney: I am a Mom and I am Bipolar: Hello my name is Courtney and I am mother of a 6 month old and I suffer from Bipolar disorder. Does that sound like I am going to AA or som...
I am a Mom and I am Bipolar
Hello my name is Courtney and I am mother of a 6 month old and I suffer from Bipolar disorder. Does that sound like I am going to AA or something? Why is it hard for people to understand that just because I am Bipolar means that I will not be crap mother? Does that make any sense? I do not go around assuming people are bad parents because they have health problems. There is nothing wrong with me to prevent me from taking care of my house, family, and my child. I love him with all my heart and he has been so wanted for so many years... he is my little miracle. I have come across many situations where I wanted to lash out of the people who feel the need to put me in a cage and throw away key..... and condemn me for a health disorder and not for who I am. I mean you can be a 100% healthy, have all the money in the world... and still be a crappy parent.
I would hope people would see the love I have for my son. Has it been easy? Of course not! I would like to see any woman claim that she was the prefect mother.... so I can slap her back down to reality.
I was told this expression once or twice (or a hundred times)... that you put your child's needs before your own. I agree with this and I do not agree with this. When I was pregnant with Caleb I was asked numerous times whether or not I was going to breastfeed. I had already made up my mind that I was not going to breastfeed because it would be better for Caleb and I because I needed to be back on some very important medications (not just Bipolar related). I know I got a lot of mixed results about this.... I had one woman said it was wrong for me not to breastfeed (she was a nurse in the hospital) I had others who gave me their support and others asking if I was okay with not being able to breastfeed. I had to look at it this way... my medications help keep me healthy and live a very proactive life. If I decided to stay off of the medications longer to give my child the "benefit" of breast milk. I could have put my own life at risk (and I do not need to sound morbid but that is the reality) and I am sorry not sure how much good I would do if I was in the hospital or worse.... However, this does by any means that I put my needs before my child far from it! In fact I look at my choice not to breast feed as putting my child's needs ahead of mine. My child will never go out food, diapers, baths, and so on. I may say no to a toy he may want but that is the key it is a want!
I also get this concern a lot.... what happens during your mood swings? Well the good thing for the most part I can tell when a serious shift will happen but that is because I am proactive in my health. However, my form of Bipolar does not keep me from a normal life. If you look it up there are various types.... and yes my mood can swing up and down in a blink of an eye but it is not dangerous and I know who to trust and what to do if I ever felt the need of help because of the disorder. I think in a way Caleb is blessed to have a Bipolar Mom.... for example, when I am in a "up" phase beyond my normal.... I explore new things or read. I love to craft and do art... and I cannot wait to do art with Caleb or run around with him when he plays. I mean having some extra energy without outside sources... can be a huge blessing. Being up allows me to get things in order take care of my son.... play with him... read with him.... how is that any different from a Mom who is not Bipolar? Maybe except it will seem that I will have a natural coffee bean inside me... but then it brings the question.... what happens when you are down? Well it just means I have to work harder.... yes it may take all my might to get things done that day.... but Caleb makes it worth doing! Mothering is a 24/7 job and just because I am in a down mood does not mean I take a break from being Mom.... I mean do you take a break every time you felt out of it..... so why would I? I follow a strict routine when I feel down to help me get out of the funk it may take a couple of days but Caleb is always the first! Everybody has girl nights out and mens night out.... they do what they need to recharge....and I do the same. Caleb is one of the reasons I exsist and why I was put here.
So please stop lumping bipolar moms into this group of incapable mothers.... it makes me feel like you have no faith in me... and if you look in my son's eyes he knows how much he is loved... and even if I have ups and downs... Caleb will always be first... and how you take it is your business..... I am just asking think of the world and how unique each mother is.... I am not extra special... have no super powers.... than any other MOM..... some days are tougher than others... but we all have days like that.... so do not assume the negative of the situation....
and embrace and except me for the mother that I am to my child! How I rock him to sleep, read to him every night.... laugh and play with him.... or how he loves to smile when I sing and talk to him. Worry about him all the time... if I am doing a good job....
so yes my name is Courtney, I am a mother... and Bipolar..... stop putting a Stigma out there for me to fight... instead get to know me.... the real me.... and maybe you will see past that I am Courtney bipolar and a mom.....
What about you? Your a mother and...? or Your a father and I? I am sure there is something...............
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Lamtical, Prozac.... Oh My (and Metformin too)!
In a world where there is still very much a stigma around mental illness often medications do not make that stigma any easier for that person. I will give you a prime example that happen to me several months ago before I was pregnant. I was filling all my medications (some for Bipolar some for PCOS) and this little old lady saw that I had a larger bag (I would not say large but they put your medications in brown paper bags depending on what you getting is the size you get. I was happening to get some test strips for my monitor). She told me I was to young to have as many medications as her. I smiled and then without warning she blurts out- WAIT YOUR NOT CRAZY ARE YOU? For once in my life I wanted to slap an old person but I just walked off it and it got me thinking... what is wrong with my medications... if they are making me better? First and for most it is no ones business what people take and what their health problems are unless the elect to tell you. I mean I could have yelled out- WAIT DO YOU HAVE A BAD HEART? Really not the same affect but you get the idea it really is no one else's business unless you allow it be and if they have gotten into your business it is your right to tell them to back off (hopefully in nicer terms)
I guess the reason behind this blog post is that it is okay to be on medications for various health problems to include mental illness. You may not want it to be public or even let people know but the importance of medications (whatever the reason you are on them has a reason). I will not go into great detail but I am on what I like to call a "Bipolar Med Cocktail" and a "PCOS Med Cocktail". I refer to these as cocktails because they usually consist of multiple medications that are currently working to treat my two on going health problems. As of now there is no "CURE" for either one of these so accepting that I will likely be on daily medications for the rest of my life is what I must deal with. Believe me some days are harder than others but I pull through most of time. For example two of the medications that I am on for PCOS is Metformin (Common brand names Fortament, Glucophage, Glumetza, and Riomet) and Birth Control Pills. Both of these medications help treat PCOS symptoms which include but are not limited to (each woman is different)
Then there is Bipolar Medications that I am on.... and it is cocktail just like my PCOS. If I did not take my medications then I would be facing these symptoms alone... and I have been there and it is not fun fighting these alone.
Now just like any health problem medication is often not the cure all.... and for PCOS and Bipolar..... medications do not solve all my problems and there have been many of pity parties of why me and why do I have to take all of these (I have thought about it more than once throwing all meds out and doing it once) medications.
What it boils down too..... have conversations with your doctor if medication is to be part of your life.... learn to accept it no matter what it is for. Whether it Asthma medication, blood pressure medication, birth control pills (to prevent pregnancy or for other reasons)... or taking medications to help with a mental illness... it is OKAY. A doctors goal when it comes to giving you medication is to keep you healthy.... and if you were my friend or anyone for that matter
I would like to know you will be around for a bit....
I guess the reason behind this blog post is that it is okay to be on medications for various health problems to include mental illness. You may not want it to be public or even let people know but the importance of medications (whatever the reason you are on them has a reason). I will not go into great detail but I am on what I like to call a "Bipolar Med Cocktail" and a "PCOS Med Cocktail". I refer to these as cocktails because they usually consist of multiple medications that are currently working to treat my two on going health problems. As of now there is no "CURE" for either one of these so accepting that I will likely be on daily medications for the rest of my life is what I must deal with. Believe me some days are harder than others but I pull through most of time. For example two of the medications that I am on for PCOS is Metformin (Common brand names Fortament, Glucophage, Glumetza, and Riomet) and Birth Control Pills. Both of these medications help treat PCOS symptoms which include but are not limited to (each woman is different)
- Irregular periods also called Oligomenorrhea
- Weight gain, Overweight (difficulty losing weight)
- Difficulty gaining weight
- Excess hair growth on face and body- called Hirsutism
- Darkened patches of skin
- Infertility
- Thinning hair
- High cholesterol and high triglycerides
- High blood pressure
- Cysts on the ovaries (multiple)
- Pelvic pain
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Sleep apnea (when breathing stops for a short period of time while asleep)
- Decreased sex drive
- Increase in stress levels
Then there is Bipolar Medications that I am on.... and it is cocktail just like my PCOS. If I did not take my medications then I would be facing these symptoms alone... and I have been there and it is not fun fighting these alone.
Symptoms
The primary symptoms of bipolar disorder are dramatic and unpredictable mood swings.
Mania symptoms may include excessive happiness, excitement, irritability, restlessness, increased energy, less need for sleep, racing thoughts, high sex drive, and a tendency to make grand and unattainable plans.
Depression symptoms may include sadness, anxiety, irritability, loss of energy, uncontrollable crying, change in appetite causing weight loss or gain, increased need for sleep, difficulty making decisions, and thoughts of death or suicide.
Now just like any health problem medication is often not the cure all.... and for PCOS and Bipolar..... medications do not solve all my problems and there have been many of pity parties of why me and why do I have to take all of these (I have thought about it more than once throwing all meds out and doing it once) medications.
What it boils down too..... have conversations with your doctor if medication is to be part of your life.... learn to accept it no matter what it is for. Whether it Asthma medication, blood pressure medication, birth control pills (to prevent pregnancy or for other reasons)... or taking medications to help with a mental illness... it is OKAY. A doctors goal when it comes to giving you medication is to keep you healthy.... and if you were my friend or anyone for that matter
I would like to know you will be around for a bit....
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Bipolar Eyes
Bipolar Eyes... what a concept or term for that matter. In other words what does a person who suffers/blessed with BP disorder see the world? For me the world is often predictable and ordinary. However, by this I mean I see the same thing everyday people talking about politics, war, pain, violence, drama, friendship, love, faith, caring, kindness, and everything in a way most people do not..... I choose to see things way to live my life drama free as possible but my bipolar mind also makes me see things in ways whether I want too see it or not... which brings me to the concept Bipolar Eyes.
Now there is no medical term or even medical findings about this... these are just my own experience of what it is like to see the world through my eyes. I know the way it sounds that I am always on this cosmic trip and everything seems magical... but trust me it is far from that. I actually have to sit there sometimes and ask myself "was it what I actually saw... or what I choose to see...". Now please understand I do not hear voices in my head or if there is black van following me or the devil is telling me to do something.... no more than the next person... IN OTHER WORDS I AM NOT SCHIZO.
When it comes to self awareness such as subjects politics, high debatable topics (abortion, homosexuality, same sex marriage, and religion). I CHOOSE not talk about these and there is a simple reason why... because I do not give a damn what you think about these subjects and I do not give a damn what you think I believe in these topics (believe me I have my views and thoughts on these subjects it is just none of your damn business)...because if I based my opinion off you on these subjects or views... frankly none of us would be friends! So for example.... if you ask me a question about politics.... I tell you I do not discuss politics... do not turn around and say "well you must admit.... blah blah has not done what he says".... GUESS WHAT? That is still political talk and if I give you the eat shit and die look... well I am sorry to say it is your own fault because I already gave you fair warning what I do and do not discuss (now if I actually carry on a conversation in these topics with you which is often rare occasion then it is a whole another thing). However, if I say do not discuss certain things I do recommend you to drop it... and you will see why later.
When it comes to things such as friendship, love, faith, caring, and kindness. I believe I have the ability to find this in almost anyone. I guess this is because I choose not discuss certain topics and focus on the beautiful nature of people because in reality even in the harsh circumstances of this world you can find the most beautiful things. I love how children respond to their mothers or their mothers when they just want a little extra cuddle time, or an old couple holding each others hands, the clouds in the sky that tell you heaven is just a couple steps away from you and you are always protected by your loved ones... from the past and the present, just the beauty of nature, laughing until you cannot laugh no more, or just being so grateful that someone allowed you to be part of their special moments in their life (wedding, meeting their child for the first time, and so on). When it comes from tears because you have been hurt for whatever reason how your true friends and family come to you in your time of need and the ones who may not understand what it is like to be your shoes does not try but rather is just there for pure support. Because through my eyes a true friend never tries to walk in your shoes but rather walks by you.... one of the worst things a person can do is act like they know what you are going through when in reality they do not..... so take my advice just be there for them in their time of need.
However, through my eyes not everything can be controlled. When things go out of whack and I go up or down... I see things I rather not. Again I do not suffer from SCHIZOPHERNIA. Meaning when I am down.... I am down... where there feels like there is not bottom. I cannot control these feelings because if I did I would not be in a down spell. Unlike Depression where they may be a cause for why the depression occurred for me there is not... I just feel nothing.... I feel alone... what I see is often that leads me in to that rabbit hole further. I start to see what annoys me more... such as topics I choose not to talk about and I feel like if you look in my eyes you will see these storm clouds forming where you once saw Courtney... you just see the figure of me waiting for this ship to pass so to speak....afraid to say something... thinking leaving me alone until it passes is your best option... and in reality it is... because unless I have trusted you to bring me back from this storm (which is just a couple of people).... you may not what like what you see or do and I may or may not apologize for my actions............ depending if I feel like I was in the wrong. When I am in up phase it really is no better... I am not the happy go lucky life of the party person that people often think of when they think of Bipolar on the upside.... I however, see the world through sickening eyes.... what was funny just seems annoying and sick to me... I mean I can recall getting to pissed at a broom because I tripped over it.... if you think my eyes show storm clouds when I am down... it is more like I could shoot fire from them when I up... that sad part is I cannot control or help it... extra night rest will not make it all go away or even a good talk... the chemicals in my body do not want to play nice so what I often see is destruction and chaos and I am thrown in the middle.
That is why there are times I prefer to be alone... re-focusing my eyes, letting the storm pass, and putting the fires out. In this alone time I feel safe to see the things I need to... and get it out.... because it is the fastest way for me........ and the less likely people will get hurt with my actions. My home is my shelter and within my home I am protected and in control....
I write this not to scare you or for you think I am nuts.... I did not ask to be like this... but you asked what I saw through my eyes......
My Bipolar EYES....
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
The Many Faces Of Courtney: Caleb My Miracle
The Many Faces Of Courtney: Caleb My Miracle: Caleb arrived December 21, 2011 and boy has it is been an incredible adventure. I have never been so in love with a child than I am with m...
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