Wednesday, November 2, 2011

A Monster

I sometimes I feel like I am completely another person inside.... what does this mean? Now this just my opinion but when you are Bipolar there is a constant battle between the ups, downs, and everything in between. In many aspects I feel like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. By no means do I think or believe that I have multiple personalities. However, when it comes to day to day battle of what face of Bipolar will show its ugly head. Will it be a good day? A bad one? Will something trigger me into an episode? These questions that I face every day...  and if one of these questions are answered what will happen... what will people think.... do they understand... do they even want to understand...

Even with medication that works, doctors, and support it is still not enough to keep the monster at bay. I like to think of myself as a normal person with a monster aka Bipolar Disorder that lives inside of me. When I look at that is makes me think I am evil at first glance but that is not what I mean at all. I have never once not taken responsibility for my actions. I am very proactive in my treatment of this disorder and I really do have more great days then Bipolar days... when I do have a day it presents itself in many ways but never with the intention to hurt anyone. When I am down episode Depression it is like how many experience it... I guess the only real difference is that sometimes the Depression comes from no where. In other words there was/were no situation/circumstance/crisis/life event that often roots people into depression. I have had events trigger it as well but the ability not to pull out of it turns into my depression. When I have a hypo-manic episode I feel agitated, frustrated, angry, racing thoughts, and so on. However, just like depression it often comes from no where. I usually have more triggers in this area but it leads into my form of mania. By no means does it make me HATE ANYONE or think about horrible things... the best way to describe is it... I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and no matter how many times I try to get up on the right side of the bed nothing is going right. Have I ever acted out? I am sure I have but nothing extreme.... for the most part I keep it all in the inside (which I know is not good). I actually just prefer to be alone when I am in episode easier for me to get out of them.

Why am I writing this? There has been concern that I am bringing a child into my Bipolar world (I will not accuse anyone or state who is thinking this- That is not my place). Well guess what I am not the only one in this world who has children in a bipolar world. There all sorts of circumstances that children get brought into this world some ideal and others far from ideal. Where do I stand... well not ideal (but not sure if anyone's circumstances are ideal) and it is not the worse. For the ones that are concern whether you have already voiced your opinion to me or not... get over it! I have great support and proactive and I really do not see any horrible problems arising from having a child. My husband and I have been on a journey to have a child. Will it be easy? Hell no- I do not know any parent that thinks raising a child is easy and if they think it is... I am waving a bullshit flag! I am not insane, I know right from wrong, responsible, and have a decent head on my shoulders. I do not hide the fact that I am BP but do not really broadcast it either. I am sure there are tons of people who do not know as I am sure I do not know things about them. It does hurt me when people stigmatize me and do not look at the whole picture. Did you know most people with Bipolar Disorder live fully functioning lives? Can you guess where I am.... Exactly!!! So if you do not want to see a BITCH come out... I really suggest for you to get a proper understanding before you ever pass judgement on me! I do not do it others and I hope you have at least some human skills to give me the same thing....

I may feel like a monster sometimes... but then again I am sure we all do!

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