Saturday, August 18, 2012

The Many Faces Of Courtney: Bad Romance?.......... Please!!!!

The Many Faces Of Courtney: Bad Romance?.......... Please!!!!: You are about to get a glimpse into my Romantic life... You have been warned! I have a BAD ROMANCE and I LOVE IT and YOU SHOULD TOO (your...

Bad Romance?.......... Please!!!!

You are about to get a glimpse into my Romantic life... You have been warn!

I have a BAD ROMANCE and I LOVE IT and YOU SHOULD TOO (your bad romance not mine).... okay before you think I jumped off the deep end (once again) please let me explain!


Okay I am sure most of know of us Lady Gaga and despite her "Meat Suit" I actually think she is amazing artist (although her videos do freak me out some). However, she writes with an amazing gift (how she gets there is her own business) but she has something in the concept of a BAD ROMANCE!

My husband is my true love...he is my not only my true love but my soul mate but my best friend as well! However, with this said it is not house covered in rose petals, I walking around in "getting ready for pjs", and the love talking just of flowing... that would be the honeymoon phase and that is done and over with (for the most part-explain later).  Does it mean romance goes down the drain once the honeymoon phase is over.... far from it... it turns into a bad romance (Oh no she said it again).

Now for readers of romance and watchers of romantic movies.... I want you to think. Now between the steamy love scenes are things sailing smooth? Hardly, there is something is always around the corner until the end where it is usually a "Happy Ending". As much we like these movies and/or books we often do not compare our lives to these movies and/or books, but we have more in common with these characters in these movies and books then we realize (well minus the dangerous scenes for the most part- I am not in your business). However, if you have found your true love- it is not always smooth sailing in between those "steamy love scenes", there are often a huge big ball of emotions (love, lust, happiness, caring, hurt, anger, humor, irritation, and the list can go on).

Out of all the famous people in this world... there is only one the matters to me... and that is my HUSBAND! Wait a minute he is not famous? You may not know him but he is famous to me and that boy is mine! I am my husband's biggest fan. When I first met my husband I knew he was going to be the one I was going to be with the rest of my life (and I thought I knew what love was because I was previously engaged) but that first site of my husband-to-be was out of this world... I cannot explain it. If I remember correctly I had a friend tell me she saw a picture of her husband (without knowing him) and knew she was going to marry him (does that make us sound like stalkers or if we have some kind of sixth sense). Well NO to the whole stalker thing but I think people are placed into our lives and we will know what role they will play in our lives. If you asked my husband when he fell in love with me it was as soon as he physically seen me,  I just asked my friend the other day--- "Is it sad that I miss my husband even though he is just gone for the night on duty (he is a Marine)?"...  Her response? NOPE! My heart still gets racing when I hear her husband's motorcycle coming! Now you may be thinking... your military wives you think differently. Well maybe we do... but why would your husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner be your super star? Every time I pass our wedding photos on our wall- which has no physical price I think back at the wonderful day!

Leather and jeansGarage glamorousNot sure what it meansBut this photo of us

It don't have a priceReady for those flashing lights'Cause you know that, baby, I

I'm your biggest fanI'll follow you until you love mePapa-paparazzi

Baby, there's no other superstarYou know that I'll bePapa-paparazzi

Promise I'll be kindBut I won't stopUntil that boy is mine

In Lady Gaga's Bad Romance song her lyrics talk about being caught in a Bad a Romance. Basically wanting everything that comes with her lover. Well if any you took a trip down the isle, there is usually something along the lines for better or worse. Well if you got into relationship for 24/7 rose petals...and no problems... good luck with that! Please let me know how it turns out for you. Now before I get into this I am in NO WAY TALKING ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!!!

My husband and I are caught in a bad romance and it is wonderful. Each day is a new page in that bad romance. He is my everything and I want everything about him.... the good bad and the ugly... as she says so famously in her lyrics- Caught in a bad romance!

You know that I want you
And you know that I need you
I want it bad, bad romance......I want your love, and I want your revengeYou and me could write a bad romanceI want your love, and all your love is revengeYou and me could write a bad romance

He knows I know love him but he does things that can drive me through the roof and it is the same for him but it is one of the first things I miss about him. I swear up and down he does not have a romantic bone in his body but he will spin be around in the kitchen and we will dance to music only we can hear. Sometimes I think I will go insane when he watches that ANIME crap (and yes I called in crap) but because he likes it and his puppy dogs eyes makes it okay. Plus I like to bug him to try to figure out what the show is about and why there are so many big chested women in one show (seriously- have you seen one of these shows? do they think women really look like that- talk about image complex). I love that we play games with each other- videos and board games for hours and just simply being with each other. My husband and I really do not go on dates but we love to pull out fold out in the bed in the couch and watch movies all night.... and cuddle because I do not cuddle when I sleep (he knew that when I married him!- HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS GETTING INTO)!

A Day To Remember

When we lived in Parris Island we went to Hunting Island Beach (tons of time) but this time we were camping with his family. We were all in water playing...and Christopher was being all romantic carrying me in the water... then he drops me in the water and starts hauling ass towards shore. I look at him like what the hell... then his mother, Daniel, and I feel the strong undertow turn around and just get toppled by a wave! When I made it back to shore.... I  was pissed! I had sand in places that I thought were not possible. How Christopher knew this wave was coming, who knows but I did not talk to him all the way to camp site (which was like a 5minute walk). However, we made it up by making me the prefect roasted marshmallow (it is an art)!!!!

Another Day

We were going home to visit family from Parris Island. We were talking in the Honda and I am not sure how the conversation got onto the topic of fake punches. I remember stating how my brother tried to use those stupid fake wrestling moves... then next thing I know I was showing him one of the fake punches my brother tried on me when I was younger. Well it did not go as plan... he ended up turning his head in the process while I had my hand up in a ready to do the fake punch... I ended up punching him so hard in the jaw...his head bounced off the window. I am surprised we did not crash that day...and to this day he will not let live it down.

One More Day

When we took a trip the Helen, GA we went to Cabbage Patch Hospital where I wanted to get a soft face cabbage patch. Well they make you walk through the hospital and learn about the history of the Cabbage Patch history then you enter Cabbage Patch land where the Cabbage Patch Babies are born... it is a pretty neat place. So we went through the process of getting the Cabbage Patch...well we had no idea we were going to watch the baby being born! Well that was a surprise all in itself (now at this time we did not have a child)... we are surrounded by little girls and then next thing they know they made us say a pledge of adoption... I thought Christopher was going to run right then and there... but as serious as he was taking his oath into the service... we adopted our Cabbage Patch baby... after we are done... we just started laughing when we were out of there. I asked him I could not believe how well he took this (because I had no clue they made you do this). He said he just could not upset any of those little girls... even how silly he felt and he said as soon as he heard our name he was ready to run and leave me in the dust!

Here is a link to other people's story board dates... some of them are funny as hell but I am sure you have at least one you can remember..

However, romance is not always easy aka bad romance! Being in a relationship is never completely easy and there will be times that it will be at it is worse...

I want your horror, I want your design'Cause you're a criminal as long as you're mineI want your loveLove, love, love, I want your love

I want your psycho, your vertical stickWant you in my rear window, baby, you're sickI want your love
Love, love, love, I want your love(Love, love, love, I want your love)

You know that I want youAnd you know that I need you('Cause I'm a freak, baby)
I want it bad, bad romance

I signed up to be a Marine wife and even though I lived in the military lifestyle my entire life. I never thought I would every be in the same group of women (the Wars of the Past, Present, and Future) praying for their husbands safety, waiting to hear from their husband/lover, wanting them to return home safely to you from the battlefield. I am going to simply put it like this.... it is a very hard lifestyle to live as a spouse or child and if you have not lived it- you simply do not know). We do not sign up for health problems or life crisis... I am sure my husband did plan to sign up for a woman who was Bipolar ( I did not even plan on signing up for that one). Being bipolar and having a successful relationship is not easy and there are days I wish I could just throw my Bipolar disorder away. Another thing we did not sign up for was the struggle to have a child... with having a diagnosis of PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) we embarked on one of the hardest journeys of our lives. There were tears, asked him to leave me (I told my husband he should divorce me because he would lose his chance to have a child), lack of sex and love making (there is a difference), and just simple hurt.

This hurt did not last forever.... we were blessed with our miracle and our bad romance started going back up... what I mean by this is because when you go through infertility battle... it will be havoc on your romantic life... now I am not going to say this is going to be the only thing in the world that will... that will play havoc on my romantic life.... I would be a fool not too... now right I do not see what that page may be in my bad romance... whether my husband is the lead and I am the support and so on... we will just keep writing pages in our bad romance.

Every time my husband returns home.... from deployment and even just the field... we get another honeymoon phase.. I love that we get to know each other over and over again. I love making his favorite meal. The way he ask me if he can play his game... or how a grown man still watches Saturday Cartoons.

When I am in my husbands arms it feels like nothing can go wrong (even though things have).... I know we can overcome it (the drama in the books and the movie) and when we accomplish what has gone wrong (the happy ending).

I think a bad romance is such an amazing concept... now whether or not Lady Gaga knows this or not is up to her but I believe as an artist... they hope to inspire their fans (hopefully positively). I took these lyrics as my own insight.

We are in it for the Good, Bad, and the Ugly!!!


Saturday, August 4, 2012

The Many Faces Of Courtney: Routine...... bleh and needed. just let it go.. a...

The Many Faces Of Courtney: Routine...... bleh and needed. just let it go.. a...: When you are a Mom, wife, have PCOS, and Bipolar (and other various roles) routine  is something that is a very KEY important factor i...

Routine...... bleh and needed. just let it go.. and my world

When you are a Mom, wife, have PCOS, and Bipolar (and other various roles) routine  is something that is a very KEY important factor in my life. Well that is easier said then done. A routine for me can be my best friend in my whole wide world or the enemy in which I wish it came from. In a lot of conversations it is the elephant in the room for me.

When you suffer from Bipolar disorder they say having a routine is a good way to manage one's disorder. I agree with this a 100% but as I stated before it is harder for me then you might think. Similar with having PCOS... stick to a food regiment... workout program... take medication... again I agree with this 100% but again easier said then done... and trying to instill a routine of my household--- son and husband.... again a lot EASIER SAID THEN DONE!!!!

So what have I done about it....

From the online dictionary of Merriam-Webster Routine is defined as follow (

Definition of ROUTINE

a : a regular course of procedure <if resort to legal action becomes a campus routine — J. A. Perkins>b : habitual or mechanical performance of an established procedure <the routine of factory work>

Now I understand the fundamentals of a rotuine very well... and I can put one into play very easily. However, what I lack a lot of the times is the ability to stick with it. I am sure this is a problem that most people face when it comes to routines. However, they have their reason and I have mine... they may be similar or completely different. For me when I cannot follow through with a routine I feel like a failure... simply put.... because I NEED ROUTINES.... I do not want routines.... I NEED ROUTINES in my life in order to function... it may sound strange but it is true. I cannot rely on my BRAIN to make the choices for me.... I know it sounds strange... don't you need to use your brain to help you make choices, answer questions, and so on.... sounds stranger still....... well here are just some of the problems I run into...

When I am in a Manic Phase of Bipolar I have done the following
- become easily distracted (I like to call this Shiny Object Syndrome)
- Poor Judgement
- Poor Temper Control (mood swings)
- Lack of Self Control (to include binge eating- not good for someone with PCOS)
- Racing Thoughts
- Very Involved in actvities
- Very Upset (irritation or agitated)

When I am in a Depression Phase of Bipolar Disorder I have done the following
- difficulty concentrating, remembering, and making decisions
- feeling worthless (happens in PCOS too)

Now does that sound like a brain you can rely on? In other words that I cannot completely just rely on my noodle to keep me on track.... got it?

Now I have been able to establish routines through time and dedication...

For example, taking my medication

1. Each week fill up my medication filler
2. Set alarms
3. take medication
4. repeat

Sounds simple enough but when you are required (sometimes feels forced to take medication for the rest of your life) it is a task that can be harder than most. I can try to talk myself out of taking medication faster than anyone I know (successfully have twice). So I have to give myself pep talks sometimes on why I have to take medication and for the most part it works.

Another example, my to-do-list

Each day or before I go to sleep I try to write my to-do-list. The things that I would like to accomplish that day or with in the given time period. My husband laughs at me about my list... that I would make list of list (maybe). However, without my to-do-list I often cannot stay on the routine and function throughout the day. The to-do-list serves as a physical reminder of what I have to do. The concept of a to-do-list is accomplish things in your day and allow it to go smoothly (on a completely different side note I found this check list for autoimmune diseases- if you think you have PCOS check it out .

Here is a way to have a to-do-list (


    • 1
      Set aside 10 to 15 minutes before you go to bed or as soon as you wake up in the morning to jot a to-do list for the day.
    • 2
      Use any format that is comfortable for you'try writing in your daily planner. Make sure your list is on one page and can be carried with you wherever you go
    • 3
      Try assigning tasks to hourly slots, even if exact timing isn't crucial.
    • 4
      Fill in preset, mandatory appointments such as business meetings or child-pickup times.
    • 5
      Prioritize tasks in order of urgency, and write those down before less important ones.
    • 6
      Figure out when, during the day, you are most productive and alert. Schedule the more demanding tasks during these times.
    • 7
      Schedule an easy job after a difficult one or a long task after a short one to keep yourself stimulated.
    • 8
      Indicate time for breaks and time to spend with family and friends.
    • 9
      In addition to your daily schedule, keep an ongoing list of projects that you need to accomplish, but haven't penciled into your daily list ' things to fix around the house, bills to mail, people to call. Update this list at least once a week.
    • 10
      Try keeping a list of long-term goals. For example, you might be planning to remodel your home or return to school for an advanced degree.
    • 11
      Make a running list for leisure or entertainment goals - books to read, videos to rent, restaurants/bars/clubs to try. Write down names as you hear or read about them.

Each of these have good things or bad things about helping establishing a routine...

#1- Setting aside the time is a routine in itself and a routine which I can follow. I have notice the smaller the routine it seems the more likely I can stick with it.

#2- This for me relates to #1 as part of my routine... I had to develop my own system that worked for me and I know my system may not work for everyone just as their system may not work for me.

#3- I find that trying to fit into a time schedule only leads into a disaster for me... if I am stuck to such a time table and things go wrong then I am under more stress that I really need to be. Stress is a trigger for me and can trigger a mood swing (not good). I have also noticed more stress the more physical harm I put myself in, like blood pressure (not good for PCOS, well High blood pressure is not good for anyone)

#4- I always have to write down important dates appointments, birthdays, events, and so on... if not I will forget and then causing more stress

#5- trying to prioritize what comes first is a huge problem for me... I mean I put the appointments first and what not..... but I tend to list everything as a priority and then I make that list keep growing and growing... now I know that my son is more important than folding a pile of laundry but when it comes to making the list... my brain does not see it that way. I really need to work in this area

#6- do most the stuff during the most alert part of your day.... well what happens if that part is Night.... YES I AM A NIGHT OWL.... and one you cannot do everything at night... and I having a lot more problems with this because my brain says be a night owl... when I physically and mentally cannot... with having a child and being a productive for the day.... yeah this is a whole new battle area for me.

#7- I have never thought to do this until recently but it does make sense... why do all the hard stuff first? Why not alternate and make sure to cross off what you have done... I know I feel better when I feel like I have done a lot of stuff on my to-do-list

#8- indicate time for breaks, family, and friends..... I know I am a nerd/geek but this seems odd to me. I mean not besides planned functions I cannot figure out putting this in my to-do-list.... I mean okay I just cleaned the bathroom whats next on the list..... oh spend 5 minutes playing with my son. Do you see where I am coming from?

#9, #10, & #11- I think are related and I do some of things in it... but really do not keep track of anything but books I have read. However, I need to improve on this as well.

Now this brings up the question about just letting go and having fun (a girls night out, a weekend away, no chores). I would love to be a person who could balance just letting go and having fun and routine... but the fact is I cannot and both honestly will give me problems if one starts to go out of whack.. If you have ever seen "Two and Half Men"- there is this episode where Charlie suggest a quick getaway to Vegas.... his brother agrees but starts over thinking and planning... and they soon get annoyed with each other. Well take those two characters and idea in my head and welcome to the chaos is me. Sometimes just dropping and letting go can be the hardest thing for me... now I am not so stuck to a routine that dropping everything is a problem as I stated before but it is a constant struggle between impulse and routine and usually one always over powers the other and I will either be impulsive or strict walk in line no room for anything else what is on my schedule! Which lies the problem.... I do not know how to do both... simply that. I will give you a very recent example

I have a friend who sent out a message telling the ladies that she was going to this place and if we wanted to come to meet her there... I texted her later that day about something completely different but she reminded me of what was happening. I already made up my mind that I was not going because Caleb was teething and I was running off a few hours of sleep and wanted to escape into my world (will explain later). What I did not tell her is that my husband was encouraging me to go... to get out of the house...and relax. I was fighting with routine vs just letting go. Now I do not think this would be a problem if it happen once in a great moon but what if I told you that I think about the stuff all the time.... does that make sense? I am capable of doing things spur of the moment but either two things will happen... if it truly is spur of the moment I will then think about it in depth afterwords .... if it is suppose to be "spur" of the moment I will think about it until the time comes and I will either do it or I will not.... (kind of like whether or not I will jump).

So what does this blog post boil down too.... BALANCE

I need to figure out how to stay on a normal routine (know the difference between normal and overboard) so possibly developing a system where I can physically see my routine (cleaning schedule, important dates, and so on). Oh and learn that you do not have to do everything in one day (prioritize!)

Learn it is okay to let go.... once in  a while, I mean actually let go (however, I do not see a spur of the moment trip to Vegas anytime soon)

Thursday, July 19, 2012

The Many Faces Of Courtney: Friends...... Who Needs Them?

The Many Faces Of Courtney: Friends...... Who Needs Them?: Who needs friends? ..... well me! For a long long time I took the stand of I really do not need friends. Which might explain from High Schoo...

Friends...... Who Needs Them?

Who needs friends? ..... well me! For a long long time I took the stand of I really do not need friends. Which might explain from High School that I only had two really good friends. Now it is not that I did not have friends... because I did and I even had some that I considered best friends but in reality I knew nothing about friendship. So very often the term aloof or distant came around my name once or twice. I just had a hard time getting close to people and still is an obstacle that I still face. My mom would always say "you need to let your wall downs". However, the walls were my safety and when I did manage to let them down even just a tiny bit it seemed to only end in disaster. I must of have missed the class on how to make friends or meet genuine people. By no means am I anti-social or weird around people, well no more then I already am.

I guess the first thing is I am not even sure what the true meaning of friendship is.... is a group of people who get together with like interest and then talk about another group or individual, just simply hang out because you have a common factor like being on the "baseball team", labeled as a certain click, and so on. Just like many people I used these qualifying areas to have friends and well as you can see I am almost 30 and writing about friendship. Now I do not think really any of these are a real good description of friendship... little pieces here and there (very later) but I will bring that up later. However, even in these rough qualifying factors there was a diamond in a rough... maybe the first clue on what friend ship is. When I was in the 9th grade a new boy came to school and boy was he something to look at (and not what you think). Rough, black trench coat, crazy blonde hair, and so. My first thought and I not going to lie... was this boy is going to to blow up the school. We ended up having study hall together he came and sat down by me ( he must of sensed I was a loaner). We shared introductions and then he took me surprise the shit bit me! He then stated I am a vampire and your are now mine ( yep there was a loon sitting next to me). I swear to you I am not lying about this... it is to weird to make up. Now common sense should say... run away and find the nearest doctor and get a rabies shot! However, I continued to chat with him and besides the whole biting me as an introduction. Through the 9th grade we were nothing more than then friends who casually talked and by no means was I in his social group or him in mine (not sure if I had one)... which was probably safe just in case all introductions were about biting. Then like everything the school year ends and I did not even see him all summer not even a brush encounter that I recall school started again and boy was I in for a shock... thinking I would see the same guy I knew before... here was this guy- clean cut, tucked in shirts, belts, and so on (look out Madonna). However, with this change brought a new thing freshmen girls (annoying ones I might add). They would ask my all the time if I thought if he was cute ( he was very handsome) but I was never attracted to him in that way. In fact I thought of him as a complete jerk that year and we hardly talked... which was fine by me. Then 11th grade rolled around we talked more and more but it was mainly a repeat of the 9th grade just talking to guy that I knew. Our senior in High School is where our friendship I guess you could have said blossomed (I know it sounds like I about to say we are going to fall in love or something but bare with me). We just became what I would call really good friends and we hung out just like friends would do of the same sex.... by this I mean... stay up all night watch movies, talk about relationships, problems, do stupid guy type stuff water gun fights (which I acknowledge I cheated and took a cheap shot) or putting together a hardwood floor (I was just their for company) to realize that it was installed wrong and a hammer went through the wall in frustration. Now as you can tell I am very much a girl and he is a guy.... but somehow gender never really factored into our friendship. Oh but we heard the comments "So whats going on with you too?" , "it is not possible for opposite sexes to be friends", "one of you will fall in love with the other", and so but are answers were always the same... sometimes they were just a look at each other and a laugh... or "there is nothing going on!".

Now why did I write this whole story... well the most obvious is that we are still very good friends actually more like brother and sister... we exchange luv yas no different than expressing them to an actual relative. We are almost in our 30s married to wonderful people and still friends for almost 16 years. Now why I also write about this.... is that it took me four years to develop a healthy friendship.... and I am not even sure if one of those years should count because I thought he was a jerk. So I asked myself does it really take that long to develop a healthy friendship. I will say yes and no to this but will talk about this later. A very good friend of mine reminded me that we are constantly learning and growing in life, just like this friendship. We would have relationships come and go and exchange advice whether or not we thought they "right' for each other. I can remember the guy that I thought I was going to marry my friend took an instant dislike too but I thought he was wrong we even stopped talking over this briefly (like two girls would). However, I saw the light and realized he was right. I did meet Mr. Right and he knew of my friend from the start and when they met they hit it off (I am lucky my husband is far from the jealous type).... and boy can those two be idiots together. However, as a friend once pointed out things are constantly changing in life just as this relationship. We brought in our spouses and children and it is has become a "unit" now versus more than just him and I being friends, which is fine because it is something I would not change for the world.

However, because my "best friend" is a guy I never really had healthy relationships with women. First off I never understood the terms "BFF", "Besties", and so on. I just never understood the label or should I say the drama that often comes with that label. Now please do not get me wrong I have used these type terms before (minus Besties- Neverliked that one).The people/ladies in my life that I called best friends in reality were not.... and it sad that I had to figure this out over a long bumpy road. I would say starting in college until now I have been really focusing on why or what I lacked to develop in friends. Now these are just my own personal experience an opinion.....

The one thing I hate is drama.... now I am just as guilty for being in it but for the most part I try to avoid it all cost. When I first thought of being good friends with someone you could tell that person everything and things would be safe but in reality the only secret that is safe is the one that is not spoken. I use to be in this group of friends that I thought was safe (it was friendships I developed through a church). However, my name started coming back to me and things that were meant to be kept private and safe. I have a friend who "knew all about me" and "I knew all about her" before we actually even met.... It has always driven me nuts... that people prefer to make up my mind for me about a person. That drives me nuts! I do not want anyone to have an "impression" of me before they even actually met me! .............. So what have I learned?

The person I knew everything about..... and she knew everything about me.... we talked and realized what happen.... and realized how dangerous drama and gossip can be. We made our own impressions and judgment of each other..... and I will tell you one thing it is not what they told me she would be like!

You know it okay to keep things private... no one needs to know everything about you or your family (there is a thing as revealing to much). I could care less what you or your family is doing every minute of every day and I sure hope you are not seeing what I do every day... boy would that be one boring shocking show! It is okay to reveal things when you feel the need. I have a few friends that I am comfortable talking to things about.... and I mean few! Please do not get offended if you are not in my group because I could care less if I was in yours because if I was in your circle then we would both know it than there be an understanding.

I also do not have to have everything in common in with my friends.... if that was the case... then none of use would have friends. I have friends from all race, gender, political views (do not talk about), religion (do not talk about), sexual orientation (do not talk about), and so on. I have two very good friends who are very much into reality TV and when we are in a conversation and the topic veers towards these shows.... I am not going to lie... my lights are on but no one is home! I just do not understand them but at the same time I sure they give me the same look when it comes to my crime shows, M*A*S*H, or Big Bang Theory. However, what we do not have in common makes us often laugh and if you think what we do not have in common makes us laugh even harder. Like dancing like fools and not caring who looking, showing our age, and just wanting to have a good time. I am also blessed to have these friends and the ability to talk to them without the fear of judgement. I have one friend especially that I can talk to her about anything and ask her anything and there is no judgement no nothing... which is a breath of fresh air.

I have also learned friendship is a two way street. If one side keeps giving and giving the bridge will crack and that is on mistake I repeated more than once. I am the one who has give and give in a relationship until I snap and sadly once it snaps I will burn the bridge completely off. I have a hard time rebuilding bridges once they are broken. However, a good friend who knows the entire dances to various artists told me that you cannot just give and give it is not fair to you. Then I have this friend who I swear stresses out just as much as do... and I tell her stuff that I should keep in mind myself. However, she always knows when just to send the right note that she is just thinking of me and my family. I remember making a joke when she was visiting her friends in Spain about you "should bring me some candy or the gemstone (I think it was one the Gemstones Spain is known for). However, when she came home she surprised me with some yummy candy! Then my other friend who is one of the most happy people I know has one of the most caring hearts I know and even in the worst of times she can see the positive. Have you ever been around a person where they seem always to be negative and can bring the mood down or just the opposite. She is like a sunshine ray and she has the ability to let things to just roll off. I know so many people that can take lessons from her to include myself.

You know I was blessed with just a brother and there is probably good reason for that... one that if I was given a sister to grow up one of us would not have made it out alive. However, I like to think of it a little differently.... God allowed this special lady to come into my life. I met her a couple of years ago she was the same age as a lot of us but I think who her parents were.... they either decided to be friends with her or her parents... I decided why cannot it not be both. This is one of my most amazing friends... it may because we are on the same wave length or have similar quirks but you cannot come across a more caring friend than her. She is very smart (which is the reason I think some ladies were afraid to get to know her- just my thoughts), honest, loves to craft, and games. To be honest if I was allowed to mold a brother and sister I know I would have a lot from her! I just wish I get to see her more but I know she is always there. Plus I think our career paths with cross.

Now what is the common factors of these friends and why I need them in my life.... No they are not in the same social group.... and some have and I am pretty sure will never meet each other. The one common factor is they showed me what it is to be a good friend is... because I lack that or I am still learning it. Not one of the pretends to know what is like to be in my shoes as I do not pretend to know what it like. They do not judge me because I am Bipolar... they like I how I see the world. They simply just know how to be there and I the same..... to live in a life with out a fear of judgement and drama free is a great feeling.

I lacked the personal skills on who to develop a healthy friendship and whether it was by my choosing, bipolar related, and so.... it is these friends (and the couple I broke friendship off with) that are teaching me how and what it means to be a good friend....

So here is it what it boils down too in what I think it means to be a good friend (just my own thought)

1. It is okay to keep parts of your life private (no one needs to know everything about everyone)
3. Have a great time with your friends
4. Just be there for your friends in their time of crisis or need (never try to walk in ANYONES shoes unless you have been in the same situation)
5. friendship is a two street (and know what way it is pulling if you feeling fractures)
6. Love your friends for who they are... and try not to judge (remember why you became friends to begin with).
7. It is okay not use labels (well in my case)
8. realize friendships as well as life are constantly changing....

So who needs friends?.... I do.... and I am sure most of you guys do to.... but the question is.... whether or not is it a good friendship!

Monday, June 25, 2012

The Many Faces Of Courtney: I am a Mom and I am Bipolar

The Many Faces Of Courtney: I am a Mom and I am Bipolar: Hello my name is Courtney and I am mother of a 6 month old and I suffer from Bipolar disorder. Does that sound like I am going to AA or som...

I am a Mom and I am Bipolar

Hello my name is Courtney and I am mother of a 6 month old and I suffer from Bipolar disorder. Does that sound like I am going to AA or something? Why is it hard for people to understand that just because I am Bipolar means that I will not be crap mother? Does that make any sense? I do not go around assuming people are bad parents because they have health problems. There is nothing wrong with me to prevent me from taking care of my house, family, and my child. I love him with all my heart and he has been so wanted for so many years... he is my little miracle. I have come across many situations where I wanted to lash out of the people who feel the need to put me in a cage and throw away key..... and condemn me for a health disorder and not for who I am. I mean you can be a 100% healthy, have all the money in the world... and still be a crappy parent.

I would hope people would see the love I have for my son. Has it been easy? Of course not! I would like to see any woman claim that she was the prefect mother.... so I can slap her back down to reality.

I was told this expression once or twice (or a hundred times)... that you put your child's needs before your own. I agree with this and I do not agree with this. When I was pregnant with Caleb I was asked numerous times whether or not I was going to breastfeed. I had already made up my mind that I was not going to breastfeed because it would be better for Caleb and I because I needed to be back on some very important medications (not just Bipolar related). I know I got a lot of mixed results about this.... I had one woman said it was wrong for me not to breastfeed (she was a nurse in the hospital) I had others who gave me their support and others asking if I was okay with not being able to breastfeed. I had to look at it this way... my medications help keep me healthy and live a very proactive life. If I decided to stay off of the medications longer to give my child the "benefit" of breast milk. I could have put my own life at risk (and I do not need to sound morbid but that is the reality) and I am sorry not sure how much good I would do if I was in the hospital or worse.... However, this does by any means that I put my needs before my child far from it! In fact I look at my choice not to breast feed as putting my child's needs ahead of mine. My child will never go out food, diapers, baths, and so on. I may say no to a toy he may want but that is the key it is a want!

I also get this concern a lot.... what happens during your mood swings? Well the good thing for the most part I can tell when a serious shift will happen but that is because I am proactive in my health. However, my form of Bipolar does not keep me from a normal life. If you look it up there are various types.... and yes my mood can swing up and down in a blink of an eye but it is not dangerous and I know who to trust and what to do if I ever felt the need of help because of the disorder. I think in a way Caleb is blessed to have a Bipolar Mom.... for example, when I am in a "up" phase beyond my normal.... I explore new things or read. I love to craft and do art... and I cannot wait to do art with Caleb or run around with him when he plays. I mean having some extra energy without outside sources... can be a huge blessing. Being up allows me to get things in order take care of my son.... play with him... read with him.... how is that any different from a Mom who is not Bipolar? Maybe except it will seem that I will have a natural coffee bean inside me... but then it brings the question.... what happens when you are down? Well it just means I have to work harder.... yes it may take all my might to get things done that day.... but Caleb makes it worth doing! Mothering is a 24/7 job and just because I am in a down mood does not mean I take a break from being Mom.... I mean do you take a break every time you felt out of it..... so why would I? I follow a strict routine when I feel down to help me get out of the funk it may take a couple of days but Caleb is always the first! Everybody has girl nights out and mens night out.... they do what they need to recharge....and I do the same. Caleb is one of the reasons I exsist and why I was put here.

So please stop lumping bipolar moms into this group of incapable mothers.... it makes me feel like you have no faith in me... and if you look in my son's eyes he knows how much he is loved... and even if I have ups and downs... Caleb will always be first... and how you take it is your business..... I am just asking think of the world and how unique each mother is.... I am not extra special... have no super powers.... than any other MOM..... some days are tougher than others... but we all have days like that.... so do not assume the negative of the situation....

and embrace and except me for the mother that I am to my child! How I rock him to sleep, read to him every night.... laugh and play with him.... or how he loves to smile when I sing and talk to him. Worry about him all the time... if I am doing a good job....

so yes my name is Courtney, I am a mother... and Bipolar..... stop putting a Stigma out there for me to fight... instead get to know me.... the real me.... and maybe you will see past that I am Courtney bipolar and a mom.....

What about you? Your a mother and...? or Your a father and I?  I am sure there is something...............

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Lamtical, Prozac.... Oh My (and Metformin too)!

In a world where there is still very much a stigma around mental illness often medications do not make that stigma any easier for that person. I will give you a prime example that happen to me several months ago before I was pregnant. I was filling all my medications (some for Bipolar some for PCOS) and this little old lady saw that I had a larger bag (I would not say large but they put your medications in brown paper bags depending on what you getting is the size you get. I was happening to get some test strips for my monitor). She told me I was to young to have as many medications as her. I smiled and then without warning she blurts out- WAIT YOUR NOT CRAZY ARE YOU? For once in my life I wanted to slap an old person but I just walked off it and it got me thinking... what is wrong with my medications... if they are making me better? First and for most it is no ones business what people take and what their health problems are unless the elect to tell you. I mean I could have yelled out- WAIT DO YOU HAVE A BAD HEART? Really not the same affect but you get the  idea it really is no one else's business unless you allow it be and if they have gotten into your business it is your right to tell them to back off (hopefully in nicer terms)

I guess the reason behind this blog post is that it is okay to be on medications for various health problems to include mental illness. You may not want it to be public or even let people know but the importance of medications (whatever the reason you are on them has a reason). I will not go into great detail but I am on what I like to call a "Bipolar Med Cocktail" and a "PCOS Med Cocktail". I refer to these as cocktails because they usually consist of multiple medications that are currently working to treat my two on going health problems. As of now there is no "CURE" for either one of these so accepting that I will likely be on daily medications for the rest of my life is what I must deal with. Believe me some days are harder than others but I pull through most of time. For example two of the medications that I am on for PCOS is  Metformin (Common brand names Fortament, Glucophage, Glumetza, and Riomet) and Birth Control Pills. Both of these medications help treat PCOS symptoms which include but are not limited to (each woman is different)

 So as you can see why medication is very important.......

Then there is Bipolar Medications that I am on.... and it is cocktail just like my PCOS. If I did not take my medications then I would be facing these symptoms alone... and I have been there and it is not fun fighting these alone.


The primary symptoms of bipolar disorder are dramatic and unpredictable mood swings.
Mania symptoms may include excessive happiness, excitement, irritability, restlessness, increased energy, less need for sleep, racing thoughts, high sex drive, and a tendency to make grand and unattainable plans.
Depression symptoms may include sadness, anxiety, irritability, loss of energy, uncontrollable crying, change in appetite causing weight loss or gain, increased need for sleep, difficulty making decisions, and thoughts of death or suicide.

Now just like  any health problem medication is often not the cure all.... and for PCOS and Bipolar..... medications do not solve all my problems and there have been many of pity parties of why me and why do I have to take all of these (I have thought about it more than once throwing all meds out and doing it once) medications.

What it boils down too..... have conversations with your doctor if medication is to be part of your life.... learn to accept it no matter what it is for. Whether it Asthma medication, blood pressure medication, birth control pills (to prevent pregnancy or for other reasons)... or taking medications to help with a mental illness... it is OKAY. A doctors goal when it comes to giving you medication is to keep you healthy.... and if you were my friend or anyone for that matter

I would like to know you will be around for a bit....

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Bipolar Eyes

Bipolar Eyes... what a concept or term for that matter. In other words what does a person who suffers/blessed with BP disorder see the world? For me the world is often predictable and ordinary. However, by this I mean I see the same thing everyday people talking about politics, war, pain, violence, drama, friendship, love, faith, caring, kindness, and everything in a way most people do not..... I choose to see things way to live my life drama free as possible but my bipolar mind also makes me see things in ways whether I want too see it or not... which brings me to the concept Bipolar Eyes.

Now there is no medical term or even medical findings about this... these are just my own experience of what it is like to see the world through my eyes. I know the way it sounds that I am always on this cosmic trip and everything seems magical... but trust me it is far from that. I actually have to sit there sometimes and ask myself "was it what I actually saw... or what I choose to see...". Now please understand I do not hear voices in my head or if there is black van following me or the devil is telling me to do something.... no more than the next person... IN OTHER WORDS I AM NOT SCHIZO.

When it comes to self awareness such as subjects politics, high debatable topics (abortion, homosexuality, same sex marriage, and religion). I CHOOSE not talk about these and there is a simple reason why... because I do not give a damn what you think about these subjects and I do not give a damn what you think I believe in these topics (believe me I have my views and thoughts on these subjects it is just none of your damn business)...because if I based my opinion off you on these subjects or views... frankly none of us would be friends! So for example.... if you ask me a question about politics.... I tell you I do not discuss politics... do not turn around and say "well you must admit.... blah blah has not done what he says".... GUESS WHAT? That is still political talk and if I give you the eat shit and die look... well I am sorry to say it is your own fault because I already gave you fair warning what I do and do not discuss (now if I actually carry on a conversation in these topics with you which is often rare occasion then it is a whole another thing). However, if I say do not discuss certain things I do recommend you to drop it... and you will see why later.

When it comes to things such as friendship, love, faith, caring, and kindness. I believe I have the ability to find this in almost anyone. I guess this is because I choose not discuss certain topics and focus on the beautiful nature of people because in reality even in the harsh circumstances of this world you can find the most beautiful things. I love how children respond to their mothers or their mothers when they just want a little extra cuddle time, or an old couple holding each others hands, the clouds in the sky that tell you heaven is just a couple steps away from you and you are always protected by your loved ones... from the past and the present, just the beauty of nature, laughing until you cannot laugh no more, or just being so grateful that someone allowed you to be part of their special moments in their life (wedding, meeting their child for the first time, and so on). When it comes from tears because you have been hurt for whatever reason how your true friends and family come to you in your time of need and the ones who may not understand what it is like to be your shoes does not try but rather is just there for pure support. Because through my eyes a true friend never tries to walk in your shoes but rather walks by you.... one of the worst things a person can do is act like they know what you are going through when in reality they do not..... so take my advice just be there for them in their time of need.

However, through my eyes not everything can be controlled. When things go out of whack and I go up or down... I see things I rather not. Again I do not suffer from SCHIZOPHERNIA. Meaning when I am down.... I am down... where there feels like there is not bottom. I cannot control these feelings because if I did I would not be in a down spell. Unlike Depression where they may be a cause for why the depression occurred for me there is not... I just feel nothing.... I feel alone... what I see is often that leads me in to that rabbit hole further. I start to see what annoys me more... such as topics I choose not to talk about and I feel like if you look in my eyes you will see these storm clouds forming where you once saw Courtney... you just see the figure of me waiting for this ship to pass so to speak....afraid to say something... thinking leaving me alone until it passes is your best option... and in reality it is... because unless I have trusted you to bring me back from this storm (which is just a couple of people).... you may not what like what you see or do and I may or may not apologize for my actions............ depending if I feel like I was in the wrong. When I am in up phase it really is no better... I am not the happy go lucky life of the party person that people often think of when they think of Bipolar on the upside.... I however, see the world through sickening eyes.... what was funny just seems annoying and sick to me... I mean I can recall getting to pissed at a broom because I tripped over it.... if you think my eyes show storm clouds when I am down... it is more like I could shoot fire from them when I up... that sad part is I cannot control or help it... extra night rest will not make it all go away or even a good talk... the chemicals in my body do not want to play nice so what I often see is destruction and chaos and I am thrown in the middle.

That is why there are times I prefer to be alone... re-focusing my eyes, letting the storm pass, and putting the fires out. In this alone time I feel safe to see the things I need to... and get it out.... because it is the fastest way for me........ and the less likely people will get hurt with my actions. My home is my shelter and within my home I am protected and in control....

I write this not to scare you or for you think I am nuts.... I did not ask to be like this... but you asked what I saw through my eyes......

My Bipolar EYES....