Saturday, August 18, 2012

The Many Faces Of Courtney: Bad Romance?.......... Please!!!!

The Many Faces Of Courtney: Bad Romance?.......... Please!!!!: You are about to get a glimpse into my Romantic life... You have been warned! I have a BAD ROMANCE and I LOVE IT and YOU SHOULD TOO (your...

Bad Romance?.......... Please!!!!

You are about to get a glimpse into my Romantic life... You have been warn!

I have a BAD ROMANCE and I LOVE IT and YOU SHOULD TOO (your bad romance not mine).... okay before you think I jumped off the deep end (once again) please let me explain!


Okay I am sure most of know of us Lady Gaga and despite her "Meat Suit" I actually think she is amazing artist (although her videos do freak me out some). However, she writes with an amazing gift (how she gets there is her own business) but she has something in the concept of a BAD ROMANCE!

My husband is my true love...he is my not only my true love but my soul mate but my best friend as well! However, with this said it is not house covered in rose petals, I walking around in "getting ready for pjs", and the love talking just of flowing... that would be the honeymoon phase and that is done and over with (for the most part-explain later).  Does it mean romance goes down the drain once the honeymoon phase is over.... far from it... it turns into a bad romance (Oh no she said it again).

Now for readers of romance and watchers of romantic movies.... I want you to think. Now between the steamy love scenes are things sailing smooth? Hardly, there is something is always around the corner until the end where it is usually a "Happy Ending". As much we like these movies and/or books we often do not compare our lives to these movies and/or books, but we have more in common with these characters in these movies and books then we realize (well minus the dangerous scenes for the most part- I am not in your business). However, if you have found your true love- it is not always smooth sailing in between those "steamy love scenes", there are often a huge big ball of emotions (love, lust, happiness, caring, hurt, anger, humor, irritation, and the list can go on).

Out of all the famous people in this world... there is only one the matters to me... and that is my HUSBAND! Wait a minute he is not famous? You may not know him but he is famous to me and that boy is mine! I am my husband's biggest fan. When I first met my husband I knew he was going to be the one I was going to be with the rest of my life (and I thought I knew what love was because I was previously engaged) but that first site of my husband-to-be was out of this world... I cannot explain it. If I remember correctly I had a friend tell me she saw a picture of her husband (without knowing him) and knew she was going to marry him (does that make us sound like stalkers or if we have some kind of sixth sense). Well NO to the whole stalker thing but I think people are placed into our lives and we will know what role they will play in our lives. If you asked my husband when he fell in love with me it was as soon as he physically seen me,  I just asked my friend the other day--- "Is it sad that I miss my husband even though he is just gone for the night on duty (he is a Marine)?"...  Her response? NOPE! My heart still gets racing when I hear her husband's motorcycle coming! Now you may be thinking... your military wives you think differently. Well maybe we do... but why would your husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner be your super star? Every time I pass our wedding photos on our wall- which has no physical price I think back at the wonderful day!

Leather and jeansGarage glamorousNot sure what it meansBut this photo of us

It don't have a priceReady for those flashing lights'Cause you know that, baby, I

I'm your biggest fanI'll follow you until you love mePapa-paparazzi

Baby, there's no other superstarYou know that I'll bePapa-paparazzi

Promise I'll be kindBut I won't stopUntil that boy is mine

In Lady Gaga's Bad Romance song her lyrics talk about being caught in a Bad a Romance. Basically wanting everything that comes with her lover. Well if any you took a trip down the isle, there is usually something along the lines for better or worse. Well if you got into relationship for 24/7 rose petals...and no problems... good luck with that! Please let me know how it turns out for you. Now before I get into this I am in NO WAY TALKING ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!!!

My husband and I are caught in a bad romance and it is wonderful. Each day is a new page in that bad romance. He is my everything and I want everything about him.... the good bad and the ugly... as she says so famously in her lyrics- Caught in a bad romance!

You know that I want you
And you know that I need you
I want it bad, bad romance......I want your love, and I want your revengeYou and me could write a bad romanceI want your love, and all your love is revengeYou and me could write a bad romance

He knows I know love him but he does things that can drive me through the roof and it is the same for him but it is one of the first things I miss about him. I swear up and down he does not have a romantic bone in his body but he will spin be around in the kitchen and we will dance to music only we can hear. Sometimes I think I will go insane when he watches that ANIME crap (and yes I called in crap) but because he likes it and his puppy dogs eyes makes it okay. Plus I like to bug him to try to figure out what the show is about and why there are so many big chested women in one show (seriously- have you seen one of these shows? do they think women really look like that- talk about image complex). I love that we play games with each other- videos and board games for hours and just simply being with each other. My husband and I really do not go on dates but we love to pull out fold out in the bed in the couch and watch movies all night.... and cuddle because I do not cuddle when I sleep (he knew that when I married him!- HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS GETTING INTO)!

A Day To Remember

When we lived in Parris Island we went to Hunting Island Beach (tons of time) but this time we were camping with his family. We were all in water playing...and Christopher was being all romantic carrying me in the water... then he drops me in the water and starts hauling ass towards shore. I look at him like what the hell... then his mother, Daniel, and I feel the strong undertow turn around and just get toppled by a wave! When I made it back to shore.... I  was pissed! I had sand in places that I thought were not possible. How Christopher knew this wave was coming, who knows but I did not talk to him all the way to camp site (which was like a 5minute walk). However, we made it up by making me the prefect roasted marshmallow (it is an art)!!!!

Another Day

We were going home to visit family from Parris Island. We were talking in the Honda and I am not sure how the conversation got onto the topic of fake punches. I remember stating how my brother tried to use those stupid fake wrestling moves... then next thing I know I was showing him one of the fake punches my brother tried on me when I was younger. Well it did not go as plan... he ended up turning his head in the process while I had my hand up in a ready to do the fake punch... I ended up punching him so hard in the jaw...his head bounced off the window. I am surprised we did not crash that day...and to this day he will not let live it down.

One More Day

When we took a trip the Helen, GA we went to Cabbage Patch Hospital where I wanted to get a soft face cabbage patch. Well they make you walk through the hospital and learn about the history of the Cabbage Patch history then you enter Cabbage Patch land where the Cabbage Patch Babies are born... it is a pretty neat place. So we went through the process of getting the Cabbage Patch...well we had no idea we were going to watch the baby being born! Well that was a surprise all in itself (now at this time we did not have a child)... we are surrounded by little girls and then next thing they know they made us say a pledge of adoption... I thought Christopher was going to run right then and there... but as serious as he was taking his oath into the service... we adopted our Cabbage Patch baby... after we are done... we just started laughing when we were out of there. I asked him I could not believe how well he took this (because I had no clue they made you do this). He said he just could not upset any of those little girls... even how silly he felt and he said as soon as he heard our name he was ready to run and leave me in the dust!

Here is a link to other people's story board dates... some of them are funny as hell but I am sure you have at least one you can remember..

However, romance is not always easy aka bad romance! Being in a relationship is never completely easy and there will be times that it will be at it is worse...

I want your horror, I want your design'Cause you're a criminal as long as you're mineI want your loveLove, love, love, I want your love

I want your psycho, your vertical stickWant you in my rear window, baby, you're sickI want your love
Love, love, love, I want your love(Love, love, love, I want your love)

You know that I want youAnd you know that I need you('Cause I'm a freak, baby)
I want it bad, bad romance

I signed up to be a Marine wife and even though I lived in the military lifestyle my entire life. I never thought I would every be in the same group of women (the Wars of the Past, Present, and Future) praying for their husbands safety, waiting to hear from their husband/lover, wanting them to return home safely to you from the battlefield. I am going to simply put it like this.... it is a very hard lifestyle to live as a spouse or child and if you have not lived it- you simply do not know). We do not sign up for health problems or life crisis... I am sure my husband did plan to sign up for a woman who was Bipolar ( I did not even plan on signing up for that one). Being bipolar and having a successful relationship is not easy and there are days I wish I could just throw my Bipolar disorder away. Another thing we did not sign up for was the struggle to have a child... with having a diagnosis of PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) we embarked on one of the hardest journeys of our lives. There were tears, asked him to leave me (I told my husband he should divorce me because he would lose his chance to have a child), lack of sex and love making (there is a difference), and just simple hurt.

This hurt did not last forever.... we were blessed with our miracle and our bad romance started going back up... what I mean by this is because when you go through infertility battle... it will be havoc on your romantic life... now I am not going to say this is going to be the only thing in the world that will... that will play havoc on my romantic life.... I would be a fool not too... now right I do not see what that page may be in my bad romance... whether my husband is the lead and I am the support and so on... we will just keep writing pages in our bad romance.

Every time my husband returns home.... from deployment and even just the field... we get another honeymoon phase.. I love that we get to know each other over and over again. I love making his favorite meal. The way he ask me if he can play his game... or how a grown man still watches Saturday Cartoons.

When I am in my husbands arms it feels like nothing can go wrong (even though things have).... I know we can overcome it (the drama in the books and the movie) and when we accomplish what has gone wrong (the happy ending).

I think a bad romance is such an amazing concept... now whether or not Lady Gaga knows this or not is up to her but I believe as an artist... they hope to inspire their fans (hopefully positively). I took these lyrics as my own insight.

We are in it for the Good, Bad, and the Ugly!!!


Saturday, August 4, 2012

The Many Faces Of Courtney: Routine...... bleh and needed. just let it go.. a...

The Many Faces Of Courtney: Routine...... bleh and needed. just let it go.. a...: When you are a Mom, wife, have PCOS, and Bipolar (and other various roles) routine  is something that is a very KEY important factor i...

Routine...... bleh and needed. just let it go.. and my world

When you are a Mom, wife, have PCOS, and Bipolar (and other various roles) routine  is something that is a very KEY important factor in my life. Well that is easier said then done. A routine for me can be my best friend in my whole wide world or the enemy in which I wish it came from. In a lot of conversations it is the elephant in the room for me.

When you suffer from Bipolar disorder they say having a routine is a good way to manage one's disorder. I agree with this a 100% but as I stated before it is harder for me then you might think. Similar with having PCOS... stick to a food regiment... workout program... take medication... again I agree with this 100% but again easier said then done... and trying to instill a routine of my household--- son and husband.... again a lot EASIER SAID THEN DONE!!!!

So what have I done about it....

From the online dictionary of Merriam-Webster Routine is defined as follow (

Definition of ROUTINE

a : a regular course of procedure <if resort to legal action becomes a campus routine — J. A. Perkins>b : habitual or mechanical performance of an established procedure <the routine of factory work>

Now I understand the fundamentals of a rotuine very well... and I can put one into play very easily. However, what I lack a lot of the times is the ability to stick with it. I am sure this is a problem that most people face when it comes to routines. However, they have their reason and I have mine... they may be similar or completely different. For me when I cannot follow through with a routine I feel like a failure... simply put.... because I NEED ROUTINES.... I do not want routines.... I NEED ROUTINES in my life in order to function... it may sound strange but it is true. I cannot rely on my BRAIN to make the choices for me.... I know it sounds strange... don't you need to use your brain to help you make choices, answer questions, and so on.... sounds stranger still....... well here are just some of the problems I run into...

When I am in a Manic Phase of Bipolar I have done the following
- become easily distracted (I like to call this Shiny Object Syndrome)
- Poor Judgement
- Poor Temper Control (mood swings)
- Lack of Self Control (to include binge eating- not good for someone with PCOS)
- Racing Thoughts
- Very Involved in actvities
- Very Upset (irritation or agitated)

When I am in a Depression Phase of Bipolar Disorder I have done the following
- difficulty concentrating, remembering, and making decisions
- feeling worthless (happens in PCOS too)

Now does that sound like a brain you can rely on? In other words that I cannot completely just rely on my noodle to keep me on track.... got it?

Now I have been able to establish routines through time and dedication...

For example, taking my medication

1. Each week fill up my medication filler
2. Set alarms
3. take medication
4. repeat

Sounds simple enough but when you are required (sometimes feels forced to take medication for the rest of your life) it is a task that can be harder than most. I can try to talk myself out of taking medication faster than anyone I know (successfully have twice). So I have to give myself pep talks sometimes on why I have to take medication and for the most part it works.

Another example, my to-do-list

Each day or before I go to sleep I try to write my to-do-list. The things that I would like to accomplish that day or with in the given time period. My husband laughs at me about my list... that I would make list of list (maybe). However, without my to-do-list I often cannot stay on the routine and function throughout the day. The to-do-list serves as a physical reminder of what I have to do. The concept of a to-do-list is accomplish things in your day and allow it to go smoothly (on a completely different side note I found this check list for autoimmune diseases- if you think you have PCOS check it out .

Here is a way to have a to-do-list (


    • 1
      Set aside 10 to 15 minutes before you go to bed or as soon as you wake up in the morning to jot a to-do list for the day.
    • 2
      Use any format that is comfortable for you'try writing in your daily planner. Make sure your list is on one page and can be carried with you wherever you go
    • 3
      Try assigning tasks to hourly slots, even if exact timing isn't crucial.
    • 4
      Fill in preset, mandatory appointments such as business meetings or child-pickup times.
    • 5
      Prioritize tasks in order of urgency, and write those down before less important ones.
    • 6
      Figure out when, during the day, you are most productive and alert. Schedule the more demanding tasks during these times.
    • 7
      Schedule an easy job after a difficult one or a long task after a short one to keep yourself stimulated.
    • 8
      Indicate time for breaks and time to spend with family and friends.
    • 9
      In addition to your daily schedule, keep an ongoing list of projects that you need to accomplish, but haven't penciled into your daily list ' things to fix around the house, bills to mail, people to call. Update this list at least once a week.
    • 10
      Try keeping a list of long-term goals. For example, you might be planning to remodel your home or return to school for an advanced degree.
    • 11
      Make a running list for leisure or entertainment goals - books to read, videos to rent, restaurants/bars/clubs to try. Write down names as you hear or read about them.

Each of these have good things or bad things about helping establishing a routine...

#1- Setting aside the time is a routine in itself and a routine which I can follow. I have notice the smaller the routine it seems the more likely I can stick with it.

#2- This for me relates to #1 as part of my routine... I had to develop my own system that worked for me and I know my system may not work for everyone just as their system may not work for me.

#3- I find that trying to fit into a time schedule only leads into a disaster for me... if I am stuck to such a time table and things go wrong then I am under more stress that I really need to be. Stress is a trigger for me and can trigger a mood swing (not good). I have also noticed more stress the more physical harm I put myself in, like blood pressure (not good for PCOS, well High blood pressure is not good for anyone)

#4- I always have to write down important dates appointments, birthdays, events, and so on... if not I will forget and then causing more stress

#5- trying to prioritize what comes first is a huge problem for me... I mean I put the appointments first and what not..... but I tend to list everything as a priority and then I make that list keep growing and growing... now I know that my son is more important than folding a pile of laundry but when it comes to making the list... my brain does not see it that way. I really need to work in this area

#6- do most the stuff during the most alert part of your day.... well what happens if that part is Night.... YES I AM A NIGHT OWL.... and one you cannot do everything at night... and I having a lot more problems with this because my brain says be a night owl... when I physically and mentally cannot... with having a child and being a productive for the day.... yeah this is a whole new battle area for me.

#7- I have never thought to do this until recently but it does make sense... why do all the hard stuff first? Why not alternate and make sure to cross off what you have done... I know I feel better when I feel like I have done a lot of stuff on my to-do-list

#8- indicate time for breaks, family, and friends..... I know I am a nerd/geek but this seems odd to me. I mean not besides planned functions I cannot figure out putting this in my to-do-list.... I mean okay I just cleaned the bathroom whats next on the list..... oh spend 5 minutes playing with my son. Do you see where I am coming from?

#9, #10, & #11- I think are related and I do some of things in it... but really do not keep track of anything but books I have read. However, I need to improve on this as well.

Now this brings up the question about just letting go and having fun (a girls night out, a weekend away, no chores). I would love to be a person who could balance just letting go and having fun and routine... but the fact is I cannot and both honestly will give me problems if one starts to go out of whack.. If you have ever seen "Two and Half Men"- there is this episode where Charlie suggest a quick getaway to Vegas.... his brother agrees but starts over thinking and planning... and they soon get annoyed with each other. Well take those two characters and idea in my head and welcome to the chaos is me. Sometimes just dropping and letting go can be the hardest thing for me... now I am not so stuck to a routine that dropping everything is a problem as I stated before but it is a constant struggle between impulse and routine and usually one always over powers the other and I will either be impulsive or strict walk in line no room for anything else what is on my schedule! Which lies the problem.... I do not know how to do both... simply that. I will give you a very recent example

I have a friend who sent out a message telling the ladies that she was going to this place and if we wanted to come to meet her there... I texted her later that day about something completely different but she reminded me of what was happening. I already made up my mind that I was not going because Caleb was teething and I was running off a few hours of sleep and wanted to escape into my world (will explain later). What I did not tell her is that my husband was encouraging me to go... to get out of the house...and relax. I was fighting with routine vs just letting go. Now I do not think this would be a problem if it happen once in a great moon but what if I told you that I think about the stuff all the time.... does that make sense? I am capable of doing things spur of the moment but either two things will happen... if it truly is spur of the moment I will then think about it in depth afterwords .... if it is suppose to be "spur" of the moment I will think about it until the time comes and I will either do it or I will not.... (kind of like whether or not I will jump).

So what does this blog post boil down too.... BALANCE

I need to figure out how to stay on a normal routine (know the difference between normal and overboard) so possibly developing a system where I can physically see my routine (cleaning schedule, important dates, and so on). Oh and learn that you do not have to do everything in one day (prioritize!)

Learn it is okay to let go.... once in  a while, I mean actually let go (however, I do not see a spur of the moment trip to Vegas anytime soon)