Saturday, June 9, 2012

Bipolar Eyes

Bipolar Eyes... what a concept or term for that matter. In other words what does a person who suffers/blessed with BP disorder see the world? For me the world is often predictable and ordinary. However, by this I mean I see the same thing everyday people talking about politics, war, pain, violence, drama, friendship, love, faith, caring, kindness, and everything in a way most people do not..... I choose to see things way to live my life drama free as possible but my bipolar mind also makes me see things in ways whether I want too see it or not... which brings me to the concept Bipolar Eyes.

Now there is no medical term or even medical findings about this... these are just my own experience of what it is like to see the world through my eyes. I know the way it sounds that I am always on this cosmic trip and everything seems magical... but trust me it is far from that. I actually have to sit there sometimes and ask myself "was it what I actually saw... or what I choose to see...". Now please understand I do not hear voices in my head or if there is black van following me or the devil is telling me to do something.... no more than the next person... IN OTHER WORDS I AM NOT SCHIZO.

When it comes to self awareness such as subjects politics, high debatable topics (abortion, homosexuality, same sex marriage, and religion). I CHOOSE not talk about these and there is a simple reason why... because I do not give a damn what you think about these subjects and I do not give a damn what you think I believe in these topics (believe me I have my views and thoughts on these subjects it is just none of your damn business)...because if I based my opinion off you on these subjects or views... frankly none of us would be friends! So for example.... if you ask me a question about politics.... I tell you I do not discuss politics... do not turn around and say "well you must admit.... blah blah has not done what he says".... GUESS WHAT? That is still political talk and if I give you the eat shit and die look... well I am sorry to say it is your own fault because I already gave you fair warning what I do and do not discuss (now if I actually carry on a conversation in these topics with you which is often rare occasion then it is a whole another thing). However, if I say do not discuss certain things I do recommend you to drop it... and you will see why later.

When it comes to things such as friendship, love, faith, caring, and kindness. I believe I have the ability to find this in almost anyone. I guess this is because I choose not discuss certain topics and focus on the beautiful nature of people because in reality even in the harsh circumstances of this world you can find the most beautiful things. I love how children respond to their mothers or their mothers when they just want a little extra cuddle time, or an old couple holding each others hands, the clouds in the sky that tell you heaven is just a couple steps away from you and you are always protected by your loved ones... from the past and the present, just the beauty of nature, laughing until you cannot laugh no more, or just being so grateful that someone allowed you to be part of their special moments in their life (wedding, meeting their child for the first time, and so on). When it comes from tears because you have been hurt for whatever reason how your true friends and family come to you in your time of need and the ones who may not understand what it is like to be your shoes does not try but rather is just there for pure support. Because through my eyes a true friend never tries to walk in your shoes but rather walks by you.... one of the worst things a person can do is act like they know what you are going through when in reality they do not..... so take my advice just be there for them in their time of need.

However, through my eyes not everything can be controlled. When things go out of whack and I go up or down... I see things I rather not. Again I do not suffer from SCHIZOPHERNIA. Meaning when I am down.... I am down... where there feels like there is not bottom. I cannot control these feelings because if I did I would not be in a down spell. Unlike Depression where they may be a cause for why the depression occurred for me there is not... I just feel nothing.... I feel alone... what I see is often that leads me in to that rabbit hole further. I start to see what annoys me more... such as topics I choose not to talk about and I feel like if you look in my eyes you will see these storm clouds forming where you once saw Courtney... you just see the figure of me waiting for this ship to pass so to speak....afraid to say something... thinking leaving me alone until it passes is your best option... and in reality it is... because unless I have trusted you to bring me back from this storm (which is just a couple of people).... you may not what like what you see or do and I may or may not apologize for my actions............ depending if I feel like I was in the wrong. When I am in up phase it really is no better... I am not the happy go lucky life of the party person that people often think of when they think of Bipolar on the upside.... I however, see the world through sickening eyes.... what was funny just seems annoying and sick to me... I mean I can recall getting to pissed at a broom because I tripped over it.... if you think my eyes show storm clouds when I am down... it is more like I could shoot fire from them when I up... that sad part is I cannot control or help it... extra night rest will not make it all go away or even a good talk... the chemicals in my body do not want to play nice so what I often see is destruction and chaos and I am thrown in the middle.

That is why there are times I prefer to be alone... re-focusing my eyes, letting the storm pass, and putting the fires out. In this alone time I feel safe to see the things I need to... and get it out.... because it is the fastest way for me........ and the less likely people will get hurt with my actions. My home is my shelter and within my home I am protected and in control....

I write this not to scare you or for you think I am nuts.... I did not ask to be like this... but you asked what I saw through my eyes......

My Bipolar EYES....

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