Saturday, March 26, 2011

Standing In The Rain ---- It is a long one

From the start of March I have been kind of out of it or in of it for a numerous reasons (some are known and others I am keeping private). However, all these reasons I have ignored or tried too and they have come boiling to the surface and now I have to battle them all at once. I like to think I only lost a battle but not the war. The war I speak of is war as the one you fight along the path to your destination. I believe a lot people can relate to this war sometimes these battles are easy to win, sometimes we loose the battles, and there are times that we "stuck" and have to wait to see how these battles turn out but the war is never ending until well frankly you make it your final destination and I will not stop fighting until I get there. Now every war is different because no one person goes through exactly the same thing there may be similarities here and there but the war is truly unique to the individual. We all have our weaknesses and flaws but we also have are strengths and beauty that makes us.

However, I have been running away from everything that makes me. There is a song by SUPERCHIC(K) called STANDING IN THE RAIN.
"She Never Slows Down...
She doesn't know why but she knows when she's all alone, feels like it is all coming down
She wont turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down" 

Now I am not saying I do not cry because I do but I am often not an instant crier I do try hide my emotions best I can (does not work to well- I lack a poker face) but when I do this it comes all out and then I have to try make sense of things and then I have to go to battle because when that first tear falls in that battle those tears will not stop raining down. I also try not look back there is to much stuff going on now and what is done is done whether it is good or bad ( I always use to say that you cannot change the past and that part is true BUT you can learn from your past) that is why I never slow down because I feel like if I slow down then I have to turn around and face that past that often hurts. However, a good friend taught me that it is okay to stand in the rain.

"So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, what was lost can be found
You stand in the rain"

Now she never said rain she used the term "KEYS"... I hold the keys to my life and I can do a lot of things with these keys. I can let the walls close around me (the option I usually prefer), I can face the things that are bothering me, or basically do whatever I want with these keys. She also said that I also have someone helping me and that is God ( I know all of us come from many places, beliefs, and faiths so what I am trying to say is that how you get through tough times). I am probably one of the worse prayers in the world... in fact I sometimes I do not think I really understand the term but then I also know a great man a Chaps who said I can just talk.... However, recently my talks have been hard so I have turned to writing, I think that is how I pray by writing them down because when I read them back they sound no different as if I would speak them. So right now I am holding these keys and frankly there are a lot of them (like a janitor set) and I am going through each and everyone of these keys trying to figure out what the key is for. Whether the key is actually suppose to be on the ring, needs to be place in a box until further notice, or completely thrown out because it no longer has a purpose (like you have all these keys to locks but the locks are long gone). 

I often feel lost sometimes I feel like I am going in circles or in a Halloween Corn Maze (that was one nightmare...LOL). Where there are dead ends, things that scare you, things you must face, and even a combination of them all. However, my friend has encouraged me that I will never drown their is one who will not let me fall or drown for that matter how close I feel that I feel like the grip is slipping or no longer being able to hold the water in my head. In fact when I cannot feel him not all he might be carrying me....

 " One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
             Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
                  In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
                       Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
                           other times there were one set of footprints.

                                  This bothered me because I noticed
                                that during the low periods of my life,
                             when I was suffering from
                         anguish, sorrow or defeat,
                     I could see only one set of footprints.

          So I said to the Lord,
      "You promised me Lord,
         that if I followed you,
             you would walk with me always.
                   But I have noticed that during
                          the most trying periods of my life
                                 there have only been one
                                       set of footprints in the sand.
                                           Why, when I needed you most,
                                          you have not been there for me?"

                                 The Lord replied,
                          "The times when you have
                  seen only one set of footprints,
          is when I carried you."
                                                   Mary Stevenson

"She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands
She'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down"

I often do not let people into my problems, there are a select few because I prefer things not be sugarcoated for me. I believe with all my heart that most peoples' intentions are good but sometimes can be to sweet almost diabetes sweet not that is a bad thing once in a while but if you do not know who the person really is it may not be the thing for that person. The more sweetness I often get the more likely I will push back with salt and pepper (sorry if you do not get my sense of humor but that is me). When this happens I choose not to be found... I rather.... well I do not know, I guess I am still figuring that part out. However, the select people who have fully come to understand me know.... they know how to speak to me. It is almost a science (for everyone) what works from one person does not always work for another and the "KEY" is to figure that out.   Now I am still learning the science to some people because when I feel alone and I fight with myself I do fear things if I stand but the ones who understand me know how to find me and pull me out and allow me to stand in the rain if that means I have to cry, scream, or have a Jethro Slap (NCIS) once in a while. The science is constantly changing for understand people so people must adapt (I will admit I am slightly an evolutionist meaning will not go in much detail to that but I will say that I believe must always move forward to grow). Just like the song says the only way out is through the things I am running from, so those keys pop back up. I need to find out what I am really running from... but the ones that have truly found me know MY FACES they understand that what you see is who I am The Good, The Bad, The Courtney.... 

The Good, The Bad, The Courtney is something that is truly important to me. A good friend told that not many people understand her humor. However, with her humor she does not waiver and she does not change because of other people. I was told that I have always tried to be the same Courtney... the goofy, the logic finding, the smart ass, the one who never completes her sentences, dances behind close doors, and marches to her own beat of my drum. That is why only a few people understand who I am and when certain life events  occurred  they embraced who I was and just realize it was another part of Courtney. I know one of biggest flaws is that I often live in a shell or close my heart off and I am still learning how to soften it and learn how to do things all over again, like a child (that is for another blog). I love people who are the same.... in other words they are they same with me as they would be if another person... like my friends humor! I rather have the friends that have The Good, The Bad, The *Insert Name Here* then only the part they want me to see. For the flaws that we have that is part of us also makes us beautiful inside and out..... so stand in the rain when you need to!

I know I have to stand in the rain now... it will not be overnight but things rarely happen every night but I know I lost the first battle/round with these demons, with time I will win the next battle with the things I need to face right now and when I am done I will continue on to the path to my final destination and face the next challenge on the path whether it is just a simple stone or another battle.....

My Last Thing I Want To Say: ~THANK YOU~ For the gift you have is amazing, even though I do not know what that gift is I am glad you are able to share a little of it with me.

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